NATION’S IT NERDS SCREAM INTO VOID AS PREHISTORIC COMPUTERS CHOKE ON AI DEMANDS
Exhausted IT Professionals Discover Company’s “Cutting-Edge Technology” Actually Running on Hamster Wheels and Windows 95
CORPORATE AMERICA, USA — In what experts are calling a “complete f@#king disaster,” IT departments nationwide have collectively lost their sh!t after discovering their companies’ grandiose AI ambitions are being forced through digital infrastructure last updated when Macarena was topping the charts.
According to a Lenovo report that absolutely nobody read before approving massive AI investments, approximately 87% of organizations are attempting to run sophisticated artificial intelligence programs on computers that struggle to open a PDF without having an existential crisis.
DIGITAL WORKPLACE REVEALED TO BE DIGITAL WORKPLACEASAURUS
“These executives want ChatGPT integration, machine learning algorithms, and predictive analytics, but they’re running it all on a Gateway 2000 they found in the basement,” explained Dr. Ima Doomed, Chief Technology Pessimist at the Institute for Stating the Bloody Obvious. “It’s like trying to compete in NASCAR with a covered wagon pulled by a depressed donkey.”
The report reveals that an astounding 94% of C-suite executives believe “the cloud” is literally a fluffy thing in the sky where all their company data magically lives, while simultaneously refusing budget requests to upgrade systems that predate the invention of the USB port.
EMPLOYEES FORCED TO SOLVE COMPLEX PROBLEMS USING DIGITAL EQUIVALENT OF STONE TOOLS
Office worker Janet Simmons described her daily experience: “My boss wants me to ‘leverage AI for maximum productivity’ but my computer takes 20 minutes to boot up and makes a sound like an asthmatic elephant when I open Excel. Yesterday I watched the spinning wheel of death for so long I started having religious visions.”
Internal communications obtained by AI Antics show desperate IT managers sending increasingly unhinged emails:
“FOR THE LOVE OF GOD PLEASE LET US UPDATE INTERNET EXPLORER,” read one. “WE ARE STILL USING INTERNET EXPLORER. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.”
Another simply stated: “If anyone asks me to ‘just make it work’ one more time I’m going to fake my own death and start a new life farming llamas in Peru.”
CORPORATE COST-CUTTING REACHES NEW LEVELS OF STUPIDITY
Financial analysts estimate companies are spending upwards of $46 billion on advanced AI solutions while simultaneously refusing to spend $29.99 on a RAM upgrade that might allow their computers to open two browser tabs simultaneously without catching fire.
“It’s the digital equivalent of buying a Ferrari and then filling it with maple syrup instead of gasoline,” noted economist Professor Cash B. Urning. “Then wondering why it won’t go vroom vroom.”
When reached for comment, one CEO who requested anonymity stated, “What’s the big deal? My nephew is good with computers and he says we just need to download more RAM. I’ve tasked our executive team with finding where on the internet we can download it for free.”
According to the Lenovo report, approximately 76% of IT departments are now self-medicating with alarming quantities of energy drinks and existential dread.
The report concludes that unless significant investments are made in digital infrastructure, most corporate AI initiatives will produce nothing more valuable than increasingly sophisticated ways to crash PowerPoint presentations and accidentally reply-all to company-wide emails.
At press time, sources confirmed the nation’s CIOs were reportedly gathering for a support group where they take turns screaming into a pillow while the CFOs continue to insist that “the computers we bought in 2007 should be fine for at least another decade.”
