NATION’S POWER GRID FOUND HIDING MASSIVE DATA CENTER CAPACITY BEHIND COUCH CUSHIONS
Local Woman Stumbles Upon 100 GW of Digital Real Estate While Searching for Remote Control
In a shocking revelation that has utility executives slapping their foreheads so hard they’ve developed concussions, startup Gridcare announced it has discovered over 100 gigawatts of data center capacity just f@#king sitting there in the electrical grid, doing absolutely nothing productive, like your cousin who “just needs a place to crash for a few days” three years ago.
MONEY LITERALLY GROWING ON POWER LINES
The company, which just secured $13.3 million in funding from investors who apparently enjoy setting money on fire and watching the pretty colors, claims its revolutionary “we actually looked at the grid” technology can identify underutilized capacity that could power approximately 8.2 trillion cat videos or 43 quadrillion cryptocurrency transactions that accomplish nothing of value.
“It’s like finding out your beat-up Toyota Corolla has secretly been a Lamborghini this whole time,” explained Gridcare CEO Watt Powers, gesturing wildly at incomprehensible charts. “Turns out we’ve been sitting on enough spare electricity to power the entire f@#king metaverse, whatever the hell that is.”
EXPERTS UTTERLY BAFFLED THAT NOBODY NOTICED SOONER
Dr. Elle Ectrical, Professor of Obviously Looking at Sh!t at the Institute of Duh, expressed mock surprise at the findings.
“You’re telling me nobody thought to check if we were using all our power? That’s like owning a house for 50 years and suddenly discovering an extra bedroom because you finally opened a door,” said Ectrical. “Next they’ll tell us there’s been an entire second interstate highway system nobody’s been driving on.”
According to completely made-up statistics that we’re presenting as fact, approximately 87.3% of grid capacity goes unused because electrons “just aren’t feeling it today” and “need some me-time.”
TECH BROS ALREADY PLANNING TO RUIN EVERYTHING
Silicon Valley executives are reportedly salivating so profusely over this news that local authorities have issued flash flood warnings. With data centers currently consuming roughly the same amount of electricity as several medium-sized countries with actual productive output, the discovery of spare capacity has prompted plans for even more unnecessary computational power.
“This is a game-changer for our plans to create sentient toaster ovens that can predict exactly when you want a bagel,” said Chip Silicone, CEO of TotallyNecessaryAI. “Now we can expand our operations to compute the exact number of angels that can dance on the head of a pin, in real-time.”
NATION’S INFRASTRUCTURE APPARENTLY JUST SHOWING OFF
Sources close to the electrical grid report that it has been “deliberately sandbagging” for decades, hiding its true potential like a high school athlete who doesn’t want to make the other kids feel bad.
“We’ve been operating at what, 70% capacity? That’s rookie numbers,” whispered a transmission line who requested anonymity because it’s literally an inanimate object. “I could handle twice the load, but I didn’t want to brag.”
Meanwhile, Gridcare’s data platform, which is definitely not just three interns looking at power usage graphs and saying “hey, that seems low,” promises to revolutionize how we think about infrastructure.
The Department of Energy has reportedly responded to the news by launching a nationwide search for other hiding utilities. Early reports suggest they’ve already found 17 water treatment plants disguised as Applebee’s restaurants and a natural gas pipeline masquerading as a Slip ‘N Slide in suburban Ohio.
At press time, the 100 gigawatts of spare capacity had already been allocated to mining a new cryptocurrency called ElectricityWasterCoin, which has no purpose other than to prove how much electricity you can waste.
