POLISH MSP PLANS TOTAL DATA DOMINATION, PROMISES TO “RESPECT YOUR PRIVACY” WHILE READING YOUR EMAILS
By Chip Databyte, AI Antics Senior Digital Conspiracy Correspondent
A Polish managed service provider with the suspiciously optimistic name “Beyond.pl” has announced plans to absolutely crush those pesky American tech giants by promising Europeans what they desperately crave: data centers that pretend to care about your privacy while still collecting everything about you.
DAVID VS. GOLIATH, EXCEPT DAVID IS WEARING A SUIT AND CHARGING CONSULTING FEES
In what industry experts are calling “the most adorable declaration of war since Luxembourg threatened to invade Russia,” Beyond.pl believes it can somehow defeat trillion-dollar tech behemoths by waving around EU data regulations like they’re magic wands.
“We don’t need fancy marketing or billions in cash reserves,” said company CEO Probably Notaspy. “We have something much more powerful: extremely boring compliance paperwork that makes everyone fall asleep before they can switch to Amazon.”
PRIVACY: THE SEXY NEW MARKETING TERM THAT MEANS NOTHING
The Polish firm claims its competitive edge comes from addressing “thorny issues” like EU data privacy and sovereignty regulations, which approximately 97.4% of Europeans claim to care about while simultaneously giving their DNA samples to random quiz websites.
“People don’t understand how f@#king important data sovereignty is,” explains Dr. Ivana Keepmyshit, Professor of Digital Boundaries at the University of Common Sense. “It’s the difference between having your personal information sold to American corporations versus having it sold to European corporations who feel slightly bad about it afterwards.”
CENTRAL AND EASTERN EUROPE: WHERE DATA GOES TO PARTY LIKE IT’S 1984
Beyond.pl’s strategy targets Central and Eastern European countries, a region historically known for its unwavering commitment to personal privacy and definitely not for any extensive surveillance programs whatsoever.
According to made-up statistics we just invented, 78% of Central European businesses prefer their data stored locally so government officials only have to drive 20 minutes to access it instead of filing international requests.
“WE’RE NOT HYPERSCALERS, WE’RE JUST RIGHT-SCALERS”
Beyond.pl executives spent fourteen consecutive hours explaining that while American tech giants might have unlimited resources, cutting-edge technology, global infrastructure, and actual customers, the Polish company has a secret weapon: being physically located in Europe.
“Sure, Google might have quantum computers and AI systems that can predict when you’ll need toilet paper before you do,” said company spokesperson Wanda B. Relevant, “but can they serve pierogi in their employee cafeteria? Checkmate.”
SOVEREIGNTY: IT’S LIKE NATIONALISM BUT FOR YOUR SPREADSHEETS
The company’s entire business model hinges on the fact that Europeans increasingly want their data kept within EU borders, preferably in a small wooden chest buried under a tree that only true patriots can locate.
Industry analyst Dick Tater notes, “These days, data sovereignty is so hot right now. It’s basically digital nationalism. People want their cat videos stored in servers that speak the same language and celebrate the same obscure local holidays.”
In what definitely wasn’t a desperate attempt to seem relevant, Beyond.pl also mentioned artificial intelligence approximately 47 times in their press release despite having no apparent AI capabilities whatsoever.
As of press time, Amazon, Google, and Microsoft executives were reportedly still trying to locate Poland on a map before deciding whether to be concerned about this “competition.”
