GOOGLE INTRODUCES PIXEL 9A: THE PHONE THAT WATCHES YOU BETTER THAN YOU WATCH YOURSELF

In a move absolutely no one was waiting for, Google unveiled its latest pocket-sized surveillance device disguised as a smartphone, the Pixel 9a, marketed as the “Best Camera Phone Under $500” because apparently our standards have fallen so low that we’re now EXCITED about being spied on for less than half a grand.

THE SURVEILLANCE STATE JUST GOT MORE AFFORDABLE

The Pixel 9a comes equipped with Google’s latest AI spyware, Gemini Nano and Gemini Live, allowing real-time monitoring of your most private moments under the clever disguise of “helpful interactions.” Soon, Gemini Advanced users can share their screen or camera with the algorithm, which is definitely not the digital equivalent of inviting a stranger to watch you shower.

“We’ve designed the Pixel 9a to gather your data more efficiently than ever before,” explained Dr. Peeping Thomas, Google’s Chief Privacy Elimination Officer. “It’s the perfect balance of affordability and comprehensive digital stalking.”

FEATURES THAT SCREAM “I’VE GIVEN UP ON PRIVACY”

The phone’s standout feature is its camera, which according to Google, “captures everything with stunning clarity” including things you never intended to photograph. Internal documents reveal the camera automatically activates whenever you’re doing something embarrassing or illegal.

“I love my new Pixel 9a,” said fictional satisfied customer Sarah Watchedforever. “Yesterday I got a notification suggesting skin cream for the rash on my back that I didn’t even know I had! How thoughtful!”

Studies show that 87% of Pixel 9a owners have no f@#king idea how much information their phone is collecting, while the remaining 13% know but are too goddamn lazy to care.

APPLE RESPONDS WITH IPHONE AIR: SAME SURVEILLANCE, FANCIER PACKAGING

Not to be outdone in the privacy-invasion market, Apple has announced the iPhone Air, which does exactly the same sh!t as the Pixel 9a but costs twice as much and comes in a box that makes you feel special for five whole minutes before you throw it away.

“The iPhone Air represents our commitment to innovation,” claimed Apple spokesperson Penny Upsell. “We’ve removed all the components that previously protected your privacy, making the phone 0.002mm thinner, which is a breakthrough our customers have been demanding.”

Professor Hugh Jasshole of the Institute for Technology and Society notes, “The real innovation here is convincing consumers that being constantly monitored is not only acceptable but worth paying for. These companies have mastered the art of making digital colonoscopy seem like a premium experience.”

WHAT THIS MEANS FOR THE AVERAGE CONSUMER

According to a survey conducted by fictional research firm WeMadeThisUp Associates, 94% of smartphone users now accept that their devices are listening to them, with 72% admitting they regularly apologize to their phone after cursing near it.

The Pixel 9a is expected to sell 17 million units in its first month, primarily to people who simultaneously fear technology yet cannot function without it for more than 8 minutes.

In conclusion, the Google Pixel 9a represents the perfect smartphone for anyone who values having a slightly better camera to document their increasingly supervised existence. Remember: if you’re not paying for the product with money, you’re paying for it with every detail of your pathetic little life, which is apparently now worth less than $500.