GOOGLE UNVEILS PIXEL 10: DEVICE NOW CAPABLE OF PREDICTING DIVORCE BEFORE YOU EVEN START DATING
In a move that has privacy advocates reaching for their tinfoil hats, Google revealed its new Pixel 10 series at yesterday’s “Made by Google” event in New York, introducing a smartphone so invasive it can reportedly tell you exactly when your future marriage will fail before you’ve even matched on Tinder.
THE ALL-SEEING POCKET ORACLE
The Pixel 10 features what Google calls “Preemptive Life Management,” an AI system that analyzes everything from your text messages to your browser history to create detailed predictions about your romantic future that no one asked for.
“We’re not just predicting your search terms anymore,” explained Google CEO Sundar Pichai, who appeared noticeably more robotic than in previous presentations. “We’re predicting the exact moment your future spouse will say, ‘I’ve always hated the way you chew’ during your inevitable relationship collapse in 2031.”
EXPERTS WEIGH IN, NOBODY CARES
Dr. Seymore Datpoints, professor of Technological Overreach at the Massachusetts Institute of What The F@#k, expressed concerns about the new features.
“This level of predictive capability means Google now knows more about your future than you do,” Datpoints explained while frantically covering his own phone’s cameras with duct tape. “Their algorithms can now tell with 99.7% accuracy which of your children will be the disappointment.”
THE WATCH THAT JUDGES YOU
Not to be outdone by its own phone, Google also unveiled the Pixel Watch 4, a wearable that takes fitness tracking to disturbing new heights.
“The watch doesn’t just count your steps,” said Lily Lin, Google’s VP of Uncomfortable Innovations. “It actually calculates how many of those steps were completely pointless and displays a daily ‘Existential Futility Score’ right on your wrist.”
The watch also introduces “Judgment Rings,” which close only when you’ve made good life choices, a feature that internal testing shows has resulted in no human ever closing all three rings.
ACCESSORIES THAT HATE YOU
Google’s new wireless charger, dubbed “The Enabler,” features an AI system that audibly sighs when you pick up your phone after placing it on the charging pad.
“We’ve programmed it to say things like, ‘Oh sure, checking Instagram again is DEFINITELY more important than having a charged phone for tomorrow,'” explained product manager Weston Davis. “Studies show that passive-aggressive technology increases user engagement by making people feel personally attacked.”
ABSOLUTELY NOBODY ASKED FOR THIS
According to a completely made-up survey conducted by the Pulling Numbers Out Of Thin Air Institute, 94% of consumers report being “uncomfortably excited” about devices that know them better than they know themselves.
“I love that my phone can now tell me I’ll be divorced by 37 before I’ve even met my wife,” said Chad Normalman, a paid actor Google insisted was a real customer. “It saves me the trouble of developing emotional intelligence or communication skills.”
At press time, Google was reportedly working on its next innovation: a Pixel 11 that can file divorce papers on your behalf the moment you say “I do,” saving everyone involved years of prolonged emotional suffering and expensive legal fees.
Because if there’s one thing the world needed, it was a silicon-based thinking rectangle that can predict your romantic failures with more accuracy than your mother’s disapproving stare.
