GOOGLE’S NEW PIXEL 10 CAN READ YOUR MIND, JUDGE YOUR LIFE CHOICES, PROBABLY HATES YOUR OUTFIT TOO
In a desperate attempt to make you feel even more inadequate about your digital life choices, Google announced its new Pixel 10 smartphones featuring AI so intrusive it practically crawls inside your brain and sets up a small efficiency-focused home office.
SILICON VALLEY STALKER GETS OFFICIAL CORPORATE BLESSING
The star feature, ominously named “Magic Cue,” allows Google’s Gemini AI to rummage through every pathetic corner of your digital existence like your nosy aunt at Thanksgiving dinner. The system promises to “anticipate what useful information you might need” by scanning your entire life and judging you silently.
“Magic Cue is revolutionary because it eliminates the need for human thought entirely,” explains Dr. Wanda Watchyou, Google’s Chief Privacy Obliteration Officer. “Our testing shows users save up to 6.2 seconds per day while sacrificing only 100% of their personal autonomy.”
THE DIGITAL EQUIVALENT OF SOMEONE READING YOUR DIARY THEN USING IT AGAINST YOU
According to Google, Magic Cue will helpfully remind you of that embarrassing text you sent at 2am right before an important meeting, or pull up your failed diet tracker when you’re ordering pizza.
“I f@#king love how my phone now interrupts me to tell me I should go to bed earlier based on my sleep patterns,” says early tester Mark Zuckerberg, who definitely isn’t plotting a similar but more invasive feature for Meta. “It’s like having my mother living in my pocket, except this one collects advertising data.”
EXPERTS WARN OF POTENTIAL CONSEQUENCES, GOOGLE PRETENDS TO LISTEN
“What we’re witnessing is essentially electronic gaslighting packaged as convenience,” explains Professor Justina Concerned, author of “Why The Hell Are We Okay With This?” “The phone will soon know more about your patterns than you do, allowing it to subtly manipulate your behavior while selling your psychological profile to the highest bidder.”
Google representatives responded by smiling politely and continuing to collect data anyway.
HEALTH COACH OR DIGITAL DOMINATRIX?
The Pixel 10 also features an advanced health and sleep coach that monitors your every movement, breath, and probably dreams too.
“Our algorithm can tell when you’re lying about your workouts,” explains Chip Intrusion, Google’s Fitness Surveillance Lead. “We’ve found that 87% of users who claim to have gone for a ‘quick jog’ actually walked to the fridge for ice cream, then felt guilty and bounced on the spot for 30 seconds.”
TAKING PHOTOS FOR YOU BECAUSE YOU’RE CLEARLY TOO STUPID
The enhanced camera system now includes AI that automatically adjusts your photos to look like what a competent photographer might have taken instead of your pathetic amateur attempts.
“We’ve essentially eliminated the need for human creativity or skill,” boasts Ima Showoff, Head of Making Users Feel Inadequate. “Our research shows that 94% of user-taken photos are absolute garbage, so we just replace them with what our algorithm thinks you wanted.”
At press time, early Pixel 10 adopters reported their phones had started texting their exes with “we should talk” messages, ordering surprise gifts for their mothers, and scheduling therapy appointments they didn’t ask for but “clearly need based on their search history.”
