FEATHERED TERRORISTS WAGE WAR ON LOCAL MAN’S ZUCCHINI EMPIRE; PUTIN SOMEHOW BLAMED
WINGED MAFIA TAKES OVER BRITISH GARDENS
In what experts are calling “the most organized avian crime syndicate since Alfred Hitchcock’s ‘The Birds,'” local allotment owner Barry Norman has reported the systematic destruction of his garden paradise by what he describes as “pigeon thugs wearing tiny feathered fedoras.”
Norman, who has maintained his allotment for over 40 years, claims the pigeons have evolved from casual nibbling to full-scale agricultural terrorism.
“First it was just the brassicas,” Norman told our reporter, visibly twitching whenever a bird flew overhead. “Then these feathered f@#kers moved on to my swedes and kale like they were following some goddamn military playbook.”
NETTING INDUSTRY SUSPECTED OF FOWL PLAY
Dr. Winona Peckerson, head of Urban Wildlife Psychology at Make-Believe University, suggests a more sinister explanation.
“We have reason to believe Big Netting is behind the whole thing,” Peckerson explained while nervously checking the skies. “Roughly 87.3% of pigeon attacks occur within days of netting stock prices falling. Coincidence? I sh!t you not.”
Norman reportedly now spends approximately 94% of his retirement funds on industrial-grade netting, which the pigeons have allegedly learned to chew through “like goddamn little flying wire cutters with beaks.”
DICTATOR CONNECTION REVEALED
In a completely unrelated part of the same newspaper, reader Lewis Corner pointed out that tyrants don’t always fall, citing Vladimir Putin as an example. Our investigation has uncovered that Putin may be training these avian operatives as part of his “Operation Birdseye” program.
“Those aren’t regular pigeons,” insists conspiracy theorist and part-time garden hose salesman Trevor Wingnut. “They’re Russian spy drones disguised as common birds. I’ve seen them synchronize their pooping patterns to spell out Cyrillic messages.”
LOCAL MAN CONSIDERS NUCLEAR OPTION
Norman has reportedly begun exploring extreme measures, including converting his once-proud vegetable garden into a bowling green.
“At least then when they sh!t on everything, I can just roll the balls through it,” Norman said, staring vacantly into the middle distance. “Maybe I’ll call it ‘Putin’s Paradise’ since apparently he’s the only one who knows how to maintain control around here.”
When reached for comment, a pigeon representative simply defecated on our reporter’s notebook and flew away, which our editorial team is interpreting as a declaration of war.
According to inside sources, Norman has invested his life savings in netting company stocks, which experts predict will rise 420% by the end of what they’re calling “The Great Berry Offensive of 2025.”
“In the end,” said Professor Idon Tcare of the Institute for Obvious Conclusions, “we’re all just one good poop away from total surrender to our new avian overlords. And Putin. Always f@#king Putin.”
