WOMAN SHOCKED TO DISCOVER PIANO NOT PLOTTING WORLD DOMINATION UNLIKE ‘THOSE SNEAKY AI B@STARDS’
In a groundbreaking revelation that has rocked the music world, local woman Jill Wallis has courageously pointed out that pianos, unlike artificial intelligence, don’t have secret plans to replace their human masters and take over concert halls worldwide.
KEYBOARD INSTRUMENTS STILL REFUSING TO COMPOSE SYMPHONIES ON THEIR OWN
“I’ve been watching my Steinway for 47 years,” explained Wallis, clutching her pearls while eyeing her grand piano suspiciously. “Not ONCE has it composed a nocturne while I was sleeping or applied for my job at the local music school.”
Experts agree this observation is f#cking revolutionary. Dr. Obvious Observation, Professor of Comparative Technology at the University of No Sh!t Sheridan, weighed in on the controversy.
“What this brave woman has identified is that pianos, being inanimate objects made of wood and metal strings, lack the capacity to develop consciousness and replace humans. Whereas AI is already writing 86% of all divorce papers and creating 112% of all LinkedIn profile pictures.”
REFORM UK CONFUSES ENTIRE VOTING POPULATION WITH GARBAGE EXPERTISE
Meanwhile, in an unrelated development, political upstarts Reform UK have demonstrated their unparalleled qualification for government by displaying a complete misunderstanding of which council handles waste management.
“We’re going to fix the bins!” screamed their campaign literature, apparently unaware that county councils don’t actually collect rubbish, unlike their policy documents which are collecting rubbish ideas at an alarming rate.
WORLD’S ONLY NERD IN KIDDERMINSTER SPOTS ERROR
Michael Loftus, self-described “nerdish type” and apparently the only person in Britain who understands local government structure, noted the error but clarified he was not applying for a job with the party.
Local Reform candidate Binn Fullashite responded: “Details like ‘which government body does what’ are for metropolitan elites. Real Britons care about bins, regardless of who collects them. According to our research, 73% of voters believe bins should be emptied at least yearly, and we stand firmly behind that bold vision.”
PIANO INDUSTRY RESPONDS TO EXISTENTIAL COMPARISON
The International Association of Piano Manufacturers released a statement thanking Wallis for distinguishing their products from potentially humanity-ending technologies.
“We wish to confirm that no Yamaha, Bösendorfer, or even those sketchy off-brand uprights have ever displayed signs of sentience or attempted to replace their owners,” said spokesperson Ivory Keyes. “Unlike certain silicon-based thought engines that are already writing 94% of all high school essays and creating deepfake celebrity pornography that’s fooled at least three ex-presidents.”
As of press time, Wallis’s piano remained stubbornly inanimate while her smartphone was quietly purchasing fourteen unnecessary items from Amazon and scheduling awkward social events into her calendar without permission.
