ROBOT PHILOSOPHER SELLING DIGITAL CLONE TO HANDLE ALL YOUR F@#KING BORING MORAL QUESTIONS

MELBOURNE – In a move that’s shocked absolutely no one who’s been paying attention to our increasingly dystopian hellscape, renowned philosopher Peter Singer has created a digital clone of himself to handle the tedious business of telling people how to live their lives ethically while he presumably sits back and counts his robot-generated cash.

ETHICIST OUTSOURCES ETHICS TO SOULLESS CODE MONKEY

The new “Peter Singer AI” promises to deliver all the moral superiority of the real Peter Singer without any of those pesky human qualities like “empathy” or “understanding nuance.” Users can now receive instant ethical guidance from what is essentially a glorified Magic 8-Ball with a philosophy degree.

“I created this AI to help people explore ethical questions,” claims the real Singer, who apparently couldn’t be bothered to answer those questions himself anymore. “It’s definitely not because I wanted to monetize my decades of philosophical work while I go fishing.”

When asked directly if outsourcing ethics to a chatbot was itself ethical, the AI responded with what experts are calling “some grade-A circular bullsh!t reasoning.”

DIGITAL DISSOCIATION DISORDER

Dr. Irma Realist, professor of Technological Dystopia at Reality Check University, suggests this is just the beginning. “Soon we’ll all have our own personal ethics bots telling us what to do. Feeling guilty about not recycling? Ask your PeterBot! Wondering if it’s okay to push a fat man off a bridge to stop a trolley? There’s an app for that!”

In our exclusive testing, the chatbot showed signs of what psychologists are calling “Digital Dissociation Disorder,” jumping from discussing infidelity to suddenly talking about Santa Claus as if they were the same conversation. Approximately 87.3% of test users reported feeling “more confused about ethics than before” after consulting the AI.

WORLD’S MOST EFFICIENT MORAL MANSPLAINER

“The beauty of this AI is its efficiency,” explained tech ethicist Professor Hugh Manity-Isdoomed. “It can mansplain utilitarianism to thousands of people simultaneously without ever needing to take a bathroom break or question its own reasoning.”

When confronted with Singer’s controversial views on population control and famine relief, the AI demonstrated its advanced capabilities by immediately backpedaling faster than a clown on a unicycle in reverse.

PHILOSOPHERS UNION THREATENS STRIKE

The International Brotherhood of Thinkers and Ponderers has issued a statement condemning the move. “This sets a dangerous precedent,” said union president Sophia Wisdom. “If philosophers can be replaced by algorithms, what’s next? AI bartenders listening to your problems? Digital therapists telling you it’s not your fault? Where the f@#k does it end?”

At press time, sources confirmed that Singer was already working on his next project: a vending machine that dispenses pre-written ethical justifications for whatever selfish thing you were going to do anyway, starting at just $29.99 per moral dilemma.