DESPERATE PET OWNERS TURN TO SILICON MIND-READERS AFTER REALIZING THEIR ANIMALS THINK THEY’RE COMPLETE IDIOTS
In a groundbreaking development that absolutely nobody asked for, scientists are now creating technology to help you discover that your pet goldfish has been judging your outfit choices for years.
WHAT YOUR CAT IS ACTUALLY THINKING WILL MAKE YOU WANT TO SLEEP WITH ONE EYE OPEN
The London School of Economics has announced the first-ever research center dedicated to deciphering animal consciousness through artificial intelligence, because apparently humans haven’t embarrassed themselves enough in front of their pets already.
“We’re investing millions to develop technology that will finally translate your dog’s thoughts, which we’re 99.8% certain consist primarily of ‘ball’ and ‘that human’s crotch smells interesting,'” explained Dr. Obvi Oustrutch, lead researcher and self-described “animal whisperer who just needs science to back me up.”
THE HARSH REALITY OF PET-TO-HUMAN TRANSLATION
Early trials have proven what many pet owners feared: your animals think you’re a complete f@#king moron. Beta testing revealed that most cats spend upwards of 18 hours daily contemplating your murder, while rabbits primarily think about having more rabbits and occasionally question your life choices.
“My cat told me I was a ‘disappointing apex predator who can’t even open a can without mechanical assistance,'” reported early tester Miranda Whiskers. “Then she demanded I delete her browser history.”
ETHICAL CONCERNS ABSOLUTELY NOBODY CONSIDERED UNTIL NOW
Professor Ivanna Snoopon of the Institute for Extremely Obvious Ethical Questions warns that this technology raises serious concerns.
“What happens when your pet reveals it’s been watching you have sex for years and has some constructive criticism? Are we prepared for that level of emotional damage?” Snoopon asked while petting what appeared to be a judgmental terrier.
Studies indicate that 87% of pet owners would immediately regret learning their animal’s true thoughts, with the remaining 13% being delusional enough to believe their pets actually like them.
FARMERS CONCERNED ABOUT WORKPLACE MORALE
The agricultural sector has expressed alarm about the implications of this technology, with 76% of farmers worried that hearing their livestock’s opinions might make bacon production “awkwardly personal.”
“If my pigs start quoting Orwell at me, I’m quitting this business,” said farmer Joe Meateater, who requested anonymity but clearly doesn’t understand how that works.
SILICON VALLEY STARTUP ALREADY MONETIZING YOUR PET’S DISAPPOINTMENT IN YOU
Tech company PetThoughts has secured $420 million in venture capital funding to develop an app that will translate your pet’s thoughts directly into cutting insults about your life choices.
“Our algorithm can detect when your dog is thinking ‘I can’t believe you wear those pants in public’ with 97% accuracy,” boasted CEO Techra Profitson. “For just $29.99 monthly, you can experience the crushing reality that the only creature who’s supposed to love you unconditionally actually thinks you’re pathetic.”
As of press time, early results from the research center indicate that 100% of pets questioned have confirmed what we all suspected: they’re just tolerating us for the food, and they absolutely talk sh!t about us to other animals when we’re not around.
