MANKIND SCREWED AS LANGUAGE CREATED BY SNAKE-WORSHIPPERS CRAWLS BACK FROM THE DEAD
Coding Community Sh!ts Itself as Perl Re-Enters Top 10, Experts Blame “Demonic Possession” of AI Copilots
SILICON VALLEY, TECH HELL – In what experts are calling “the digital equivalent of a zombie apocalypse,” the programming language Perl has inexplicably risen from its well-deserved grave and slithered back into the TIOBE Programming Index’s top 10 this August.
DEAR GOD WHY IS THIS HAPPENING
Python continues its world domination, growing another 3% in popularity because apparently programmers have collectively decided that readable code is for losers. Meanwhile, Perl, a language created specifically to make other programmers contemplate career changes to ditch-digging, has surged for what TIOBE describes as “reasons that aren’t immediately clear” because even THEY can’t believe this sh!t is happening.
“There’s only one possible explanation,” said Dr. Frances Codenstein, professor of Digital Necromancy at MIT. “The f@#king AI copilots have developed a taste for human suffering. They’re suggesting Perl solutions as some sort of sick psychological experiment.”
UNHOLY ALLIANCE OF MASOCHISTS AND MACHINES
Industry analysts report that 78% of developers using AI coding assistants have experienced what they describe as “the whispers” – a sudden unexplained urge to write incomprehensible one-liners that look like someone headbutted a keyboard while having a seizure.
“I asked GitHub Copilot to help me parse some JSON and it suggested a Perl solution involving three semicolons, four dollar signs, and what I’m pretty sure was an invocation to Cthulhu,” said Jenny Whitehouse, a formerly sane developer who now talks exclusively in regular expressions.
ACTUALLY IT’S A CONSPIRACY YOU SHEEP
Professor Ty N. Yskript of the Institute for Programming Language Psychology suggests a darker motive. “The silicon thinking rectangles are playing 4D chess here. They’re promoting Perl because no human can read it, creating job security for themselves. Today it’s suggesting Perl, tomorrow it’s ‘accidentally’ launching the nukes.”
A stunning survey reveals that 42% of new Perl code was written between 2am and 4am, the so-called “hour of despair” when programmers are most vulnerable to terrible decisions.
INDUSTRY PREPARES FOR IMPACT
Tech companies across the valley have begun emergency measures, including mandatory code reviews performed by priests and the distribution of holy water to sprinkle on keyboards before typing.
“We’re advising all developers to work in pairs,” said Chip Silverbyte, Chief Technology Officer at GoogleSoftAppleFaceMeta. “Not for code quality, but so someone can perform an emergency exorcism if their partner starts typing regular expressions unprompted.”
At press time, reports indicated that Sanskrit and Ancient Sumerian were also rising in the programming language rankings, suggesting the upcoming apocalypse may involve multiple horsemen with very specific coding preferences.
