# “NERD ALERT: MIT DWEEBS INVENT ‘PERIODIC TABLE OF AI’ WHILE EVERYONE ELSE GETS LAID”
Tech virgin researchers at MIT have created what they’re calling a “periodic table of machine learning” in what experts are describing as “the most elaborate way possible to avoid human contact.”
SCIENTISTS FINALLY FIND SOMETHING MORE BORING THAN ACTUAL PERIODIC TABLE
The breakthrough allows researchers to see connections between different algorithms that nobody but them gives a flying f@#k about. MIT graduate student Shaden Alshammari accidentally stumbled upon the discovery while presumably not being invited to any parties.
“It’s not just a metaphor,” insisted Alshammari, as everyone within earshot desperately searched for emergency exits.
The framework, called “Information Contrastive Learning” or “I-Con” (coincidentally what these researchers have NEVER seen a woman do), organizes more than 20 classical machine-learning algorithms into a table that shows how they’re all mathematically related, causing 97% of normal humans to immediately fall asleep when hearing about it.
VIRGINS DISCOVER VIRGIN TERRITORY
“We almost got to this unifying equation by accident,” explained researcher Mark Hamilton, who sources confirm has definitely used the phrase “Well, actually…” in conversations with women.
The table reportedly contains empty spaces where algorithms “should exist” but haven’t been discovered yet, much like the empty spaces in the researchers’ social calendars every Friday and Saturday night since puberty.
Dr. Hugh G. Loser, head of the Institute for Stating the F@#king Obvious, told AI Antics: “This is truly groundbreaking work that will revolutionize machine learning, assuming anyone can stay awake long enough to understand it. Most people would rather watch paint dry while getting a colonoscopy.”
INNOVATION OR ELABORATE CRY FOR HELP?
The researchers demonstrated their framework’s usefulness by creating a new image-classification algorithm that performed 8 percent better than existing approaches, which relationship counselor Dee Vorce says is “still 92% less impressive than developing the basic social skills needed to maintain eye contact during conversation.”
In one stunning example of the table’s power, the team combined elements from two different algorithms to create something new, marking the first time in recorded history that MIT researchers have successfully combined anything besides pizza rolls and Mountain Dew.
SCIENTISTS CONFIRM: TABLE HAS MORE STRUCTURE THAN RESEARCHERS’ LIFE PLANS
“We’ve shown that just one very elegant equation, rooted in the science of information, gives you rich algorithms spanning 100 years of research,” Hamilton explained, while his parents quietly updated their wills to leave everything to his more socially functional sister.
The research was funded by several organizations with too much money and not enough oversight, including the National Science Foundation, which reportedly asked, “Are you sure this isn’t just an elaborate scheme to avoid talking to people?”
When asked what’s next for the research team, Alshammari revealed plans to “explore the empty spaces in our periodic table,” a statement that relationship experts unanimously agree is the perfect metaphor for their love lives.
