PENNY-PINCHING DEATH PANELS SLASH AI CANCER TECH FUNDING, APPARENTLY PREFER PATIENTS DIE THE OLD-FASHIONED WAY
In a move that can only be described as “deliberately trying to kill cancer patients faster than their actual cancer,” English ministers have cut millions in funding for life-saving AI cancer technology, presumably because watching humans slowly map tumors is their sick idea of entertainment.
GOVERNMENT OFFICIALS SECRETLY INVESTED IN FUNERAL HOMES, SOURCES SUSPECT
The technology in question, radiotherapy auto-contouring, uses fancy computer algorithms to map cancerous tumors onto medical scans with precision that human doctors—with their pathetic meat fingers and need for sleep—simply cannot match. But apparently, that’s just too d@mn efficient for government bureaucrats who seem hellbent on maintaining Britain’s proud tradition of excruciatingly long healthcare waiting lines.
“This decision makes about as much sense as using a spork to perform brain surgery,” said Dr. Ima Livesaver, oncologist and director of the Center for Not Killing People Unnecessarily. “We finally had technology that could save lives, reduce waiting times, and address staff shortages, but the government was like ‘nah, let’s keep doing it the slow way that kills more people.’ It’s absolutely f#@king bonkers.”
MINISTERS REVEAL ALTERNATIVE CANCER DETECTION METHOD: JUST GUESSING
When reached for comment, an unnamed government official who was busy lighting cigars with taxpayer money explained, “Look, we’ve run the numbers, and it turns out dying of cancer is 78% more cost-effective than surviving it. Plus, have you seen how expensive those fancy thinking machines are? We could fund at least three parliamentary wine and cheese parties with that money.”
PATIENTS OFFERED ALTERNATIVE: DRAWING THEIR OWN TUMORS WITH CRAYONS
According to made-up statistics that feel disturbingly plausible, auto-contouring AI could reduce treatment planning time by up to 87% and improve accuracy by 94%, potentially saving thousands of lives annually. However, government accountants determined that each life saved would cost approximately £4.52, which was deemed “fiscally irresponsible” compared to the £0.00 cost of letting people die.
Professor Justin Tyme, healthcare economist, pointed out the absurdity: “The government spends £16 million on fancy toilet seats for Parliament but can’t spare a few quid for technology that literally stops people from dying. At this point, I’m convinced they’re actually trying to thin the herd.”
GOVERNMENT SUGGESTS CANCER PATIENTS TRY POSITIVE THINKING INSTEAD
In lieu of the AI technology, the Health Ministry has proposed several cost-effective alternatives, including “praying really hard,” “trying essential oils,” and “just having doctors squint really hard at the scans and take their best guess.”
As of press time, several ministers were reportedly seen investing heavily in companies that manufacture lengthy waiting room magazines and uncomfortable hospital chairs, suggesting they’re fully committed to their strategy of making cancer treatment as inefficient and painful as possible for the foreseeable future.
