SILICON VALLEY GENIUSES INVENT “PAY ME TO STEAL MY SH!T” SYSTEM, CREATORS HAIL AS “REVOLUTIONARY EXTORTION”
Tech overlords at Cloudflare have unveiled what experts are calling “the most innovative method of getting f@#ked twice” with their groundbreaking system allowing content creators to charge AI companies for the privilege of scraping their content before using it to replace them entirely.
DIGITAL HIGHWAY ROBBERY NOW WITH CONVENIENT PAYMENT OPTIONS
The revolutionary “pay per crawl” system, currently in private beta for elite victims who prefer to know exactly how much their intellectual property is worth before it’s completely devalued, allows website owners to erect a tiny digital toll booth that AI companies will absolutely respect and definitely not find seventeen ways around by next Tuesday.
“This is a game-changer for content creators,” explained Dr. Naïve McDelusion, Professor of Digital Self-Sabotage at the University of Obvious Consequences. “Now instead of having your livelihood stolen outright, you can receive approximately 0.0003 cents per article before the algorithm makes you completely irrelevant. It’s basically like charging someone for the bullets they use to shoot you.”
CREATORS REJOICE AT CHANCE TO MONETIZE THEIR OWN EXTINCTION
Content creators worldwide are reportedly ecstatic about the development, with 97% of surveyed professionals expressing joy at “finally having the opportunity to set a price tag on their own professional funeral.”
“I’ve spent 15 years developing my unique writing voice and building an audience,” said one food blogger who requested anonymity because she hasn’t told her family she’ll soon be replaced by a prompt. “It feels so empowering to charge OpenAI three dollars to consume my entire life’s work so they can teach their chatbot to write better pancake recipes than me.”
TECH EXPERTS CALL IT “INNOVATIVE APPROACH TO GETTING SCREWED”
The system works by allowing website owners to choose between completely blocking AI crawlers or charging them a small fee, similar to how you might choose between being hit by a bus or a slightly smaller bus that pays you a nickel first.
“We’re giving content creators control,” said Cloudflare CEO Really Richguy while struggling to keep a straight face. “It’s about respecting the value of human creativity,” he added before excusing himself to laugh uncontrollably in the company bathroom.
EARLY ADOPTERS REPORT “PROFOUND SENSE OF PARTICIPATION IN OWN DOWNFALL”
Early users of the system report satisfaction with knowing exactly how much their content is worth to the digital entities preparing to render them obsolete.
“Before this, AI companies were stealing my photography portfolio for free,” explained professional photographer Cam Clickington. “Now they pay me roughly the cost of a gas station coffee for the honor of learning how to replace me. That cup of coffee will really come in handy during the long nights wondering what the f@#k I’m supposed to do next.”
According to Cloudflare’s internal research, approximately 78% of content creators who implement the system experience what psychologists term “compensated existential dread,” a condition where receiving nominal payment somewhat offsets the crushing realization that you’re training your replacement.
Industry analyst Penny Wiseman predicts the system will generate upwards of “some amount of money” before AI companies simply find different content to steal or build their own websites filled with AI-generated content specifically designed to train other AI.
At press time, Cloudflare was reportedly developing a premium tier allowing creators to not only charge for their content to be scraped but also receive a personalized notification informing them exactly when they’ve become professionally obsolete.
