GOVERNMENT ABANDONS COPYRIGHT LAW CHANGES AFTER REALIZING PAUL MCCARTNEY COULD ABSOLUTELY DESTROY THEM
In a stunning display of political bravery that looks suspiciously like abject terror, UK ministers have frantically backpedaled on proposed copyright law changes after realizing that Paul McCartney could probably buy and sell their entire bloodline.
TURNS OUT PISSING OFF BILLIONAIRE ARTISTS ISN’T A GREAT F@#KING STRATEGY
Technology Secretary Peter Kyle, who sources describe as “currently hiding under his desk with noise-canceling headphones,” has reportedly reconsidered making an opt-out copyright system his preferred option after receiving what insiders call “a strongly worded letter written on Beatle-headed stationery.”
“We’ve decided to consider several options instead of just the one that would make every creative person in Britain hate us,” explained Kyle’s spokesperson, Miranda Backtrack. “It turns out that making Sir Paul McCartney, Sir Tom Stoppard, and literally every other artist in the country absolutely furious might potentially impact our reelection chances. Who knew?”
ARTIFICIAL INTELLIGENCE DEVELOPERS SHOCKED THEY CAN’T JUST STEAL SH!T
The proposed law would have allowed text-and-data mining for artificial intelligence companies, essentially letting algorithm-powered content goblins feast upon the creative works of artists without permission unless creators specifically opted out.
“I’m absolutely devastated,” said Chip Silicone, CEO of DeepThought AI. “How are we supposed to make billions of dollars if we actually have to pay for the content we’re stealing? This is literally communism.”
EXPERTS WEIGH IN, SOMEHOW MAKE THINGS WORSE
Dr. Copyrightus Obviousman, professor of Intellectual Property Law at Cambridge, noted that the government’s approach was “about as sensible as trying to teach a cat to file your taxes.”
“The government essentially told artists, ‘We’re going to let tech companies steal your sh!t unless you fill out this form,’ and then seemed genuinely surprised when creators got upset,” Obviousman explained while rolling his eyes so hard they nearly fell out of his head. “It’s like telling people their houses are open to the public unless they place a ‘No Entry’ sign on their lawn.”
PAUL MCCARTNEY REPORTEDLY CONSIDERING WRITING SONG CALLED “PETER KYLE IS A TWAT”
Sources close to Sir Paul McCartney claim the legendary musician had begun composing a scathing protest song with the working title “Yesterday (My Copyright Actually Meant Something).”
The creative industries, which contribute approximately 97.3% of Britain’s cultural relevance and 104% of its international coolness factor according to completely accurate statistics we just made up, had united in opposition to the proposal.
GOVERNMENT NOW CONSIDERING ALTERNATIVES LIKE “ACTUALLY LISTENING TO PEOPLE WHO KNOW WHAT THE F@#K THEY’RE TALKING ABOUT”
Kyle is now reportedly considering revolutionary alternative approaches such as “consulting with stakeholders before drafting legislation” and “not letting tech bros dictate policy just because they promise the shiniest future.”
When reached for comment, an anonymous government official simply sighed and said, “Look, we were just trying to help the algorithm Americans develop better stuff by feeding them everything ever created by human imagination. Is that so wrong?”
At press time, Kyle was reportedly seen googling “how to apologize to Beatles” and “can Tom Stoppard write plays that ruin political careers” while frantically trying to secure tickets to McCartney’s next concert in hopes of making amends backstage with a trembling handshake and the promise of never, ever trying to mess with copyright law again.
