OVERWORKED BRITONS BARELY HAVE TIME TO TAKE A SH!T, STUDY FINDS; EXPERTS BLAME “LYING A$$ TECHNOLOGY”
In what experts are calling “the biggest f@#king bait-and-switch since diet soda,” a new study reveals that Britons have a pathetic 23 hours of “genuinely free” time each week, despite decades of promises that technology would create a worker’s utopia.
TECHNOLOGY: THE EX THAT PROMISED THE WORLD BUT DELIVERED JACK SH!T
Remember when your smart devices promised to simplify your life? Well, congratulations, you gullible idiot! While you’re answering work emails at 11pm from your toilet, the digital revolution is laughing its non-existent a$$ off.
“Technology doesn’t save time; it just creates new ways for capitalism to colonize every waking moment of your miserable existence,” explains Dr. Freetime Isdead, Professor of Modern Despair at the University of Broken Dreams.
THE KELLOGG’S BETRAYAL: CORNFLAKES AND BROKEN PROMISES
Back in 1930, WK Kellogg implemented a six-hour workday at his Michigan factory, boldly declaring that humans deserved leisure time. Fast forward almost a century, and we’re all eating cereal standing up while joining Zoom calls and pretending our cameras are off because of “bandwidth issues.”
“The Kellogg’s experiment represents the greatest unrealized promise in human history, second only to ‘the check is in the mail’ and ‘I won’t come in your mouth,'” says workplace historian Professor Nostalgic Bullsh!t.
IMAGINARY SURVEY REVEALS TRUTH ABOUT “FREE TIME”
According to our completely fabricated survey, 94% of Britons spend their supposed “free time” doing the following:
– Answering “quick work emails” (43 minutes daily)
– Thinking about work while pretending to watch Netflix (2.7 hours)
– Explaining to relatives what they actually do for a job (infinity)
– Wondering where it all went wrong (constant background process)
EXPERTS SUGGEST REVOLUTIONARY SOLUTION: TELLING EMPLOYERS TO GO F@#K THEMSELVES
“The solution is actually quite simple,” explains workplace psychologist Emma Gonna Snapnow. “Next time your boss messages you after hours, respond with interpretive dance emojis and a link to the Wikipedia article on ‘boundaries.'”
Meanwhile, 89% of employers insist that labor-saving technology has made work “more fulfilling,” a claim that 100% of actual workers respond to by making vigorous hand gestures that we cannot describe in print.
In conclusion, as AI continues its inexorable march toward making us all redundant, perhaps we should take a moment to appreciate those 23 precious hours of freedom each week. After all, in another decade, we’ll probably be nostalgic for the days when we had time to cry in the shower.
