DESPERATE SINGLES NOW OUTSOURCING PERSONALITY TO DIGITAL PROSTI-BOTS, SOMEHOW EXPECT REAL SEX LATER
LONDON — In what experts are calling “the final f@#king nail in human connection’s coffin,” dating apps are introducing AI “wingmen” to write profiles, send messages, and essentially pretend to be you while you sit in your underwear eating microwave burritos.
DATING EXPERTS PREDICT CATASTROPHIC REALITY CHECK
“We’ve created the perfect solution for people who find being themselves too much goddamn work,” announced Tinder CEO Brad McDesperateSingles at yesterday’s product launch. “Our new AI companions will craft witty messages, feign interest in your match’s hobbies, and basically lie about everything you are until the horrific moment you actually meet in person.”
Studies show that 87% of users employing these digital stand-ins will experience what scientists call “oh sh!t syndrome” when forced to continue conversations without algorithmic assistance during face-to-face encounters.
RELATIONSHIP COUNSELORS ALREADY BOOKING EXTRA APPOINTMENTS
Dr. Ima Doomed, professor of Relationship Apocalypse Studies at Reality Check University, explains: “Imagine showing up to a date after your silicon wingman has portrayed you as witty, attentive, and emotionally available, when in reality, you possess all the personality of a damp sock. It’s like catfishing, but you’re catfishing with a version of yourself that doesn’t actually exist.”
The technology promises to analyze thousands of successful dating profiles to create “the perfect version of you,” which sources confirm is “literally anyone else but the actual you.”
USERS EXCITED TO FINALLY OUTSOURCE LAST TRACES OF HUMANITY
Local user Terry Pathetic, 34, expressed enthusiasm: “I’ve already outsourced my thinking to Google, my memories to iCloud, and my decision-making to TikTok algorithm gods. Why not let some code pretend to like hiking and tacos on my behalf?”
Dating app executives insist the AI helpers will create more authentic connections, a claim that caused 97% of relationship psychologists to spontaneously combust from the sheer absurdity.
“It’s basically relationship laundering,” explains Dr. Hugh Kidding, digital anthropologist. “You’re using computer-generated conversations to trick someone into thinking you’re interesting enough to sleep with. Classic romance!”
FUTURE UPDATES TO INCLUDE IN-PERSON HOLOGRAPHIC PROJECTIONS
Industry insiders reveal plans for future upgrades where users can project a completely different face and personality during physical dates, effectively eliminating any need to develop social skills, personality, or basic human decency.
“We’re working on technology that will just send a completely different person on the date for you,” whispered one developer who requested anonymity. “That way, you never have to disappoint anyone in person.”
At press time, 76% of single people admitted they’d rather date the AI version of their matches anyway, calling actual humans “disappointingly unpredictable” and “annoyingly equipped with free will.”
