DESPERATE HUMANS FRANTICALLY TRYING TO OUTRUN DIGITAL OVERLORDS WITH “BRAIN TRAINING” SCAM
SILICON VALLEY PANIC ROOM
Average workers now spending life savings on Python tutorials while algorithms quietly practice replacing their personalities
In what experts are calling “the digital equivalent of bringing a butter knife to a nuclear war,” thousands of terrified professionals are desperately attempting to “train their brains for the AI age” through online courses that promise to teach them just enough coding to delay their inevitable obsolescence by approximately 17 working days.
LOCAL MAN ACTUALLY BELIEVES LEARNING BASIC PYTHON WILL SAVE HIM FROM TECHNOLOGICAL EXTINCTION
Mark Johansen, 42, recently invested $499 in a “lifetime bundle” of programming courses after reading a terrifying headline about AI coming for his middle-management job. The father of three has completed 7% of his first module over the past six weeks.
“I’m basically future-proofing myself,” explained Johansen, unaware that three new machine learning models have already mastered his entire career trajectory while he struggled to remember how to use a f@#king for-loop. “Once I finish this Python course, I’ll be irreplaceable.”
Industry analyst Dr. Cassandra Obvious noted that humans learning coding basics to compete with AI is “like a turtle taking swimming lessons to outrun a f@#king speedboat.”
DESPERATE CAREER COACHES PIVOT TO SELLING DIGITAL SNAKE OIL
The market for “AI-proofing your career” has exploded, with an estimated 87% of online courses now promising to teach humans the bare minimum skills needed to survive the coming jobpocalypse.
“Our ‘Master ChatGPT Before It Masters You’ workshop has a 98% satisfaction rate,” claimed digital transformation guru Chad Hustle, CEO of FutureProofYourself.com. “And for just three easy payments of $199, we’ll teach you to prompt an AI in ways that make it slightly less obvious you have no idea what you’re doing.”
When pressed about the actual value of his courses, Hustle’s Zoom connection mysteriously failed.
EXPERTS: LEARNING TO “COLLABORATE” WITH AI ACTUALLY JUST TRAINING YOUR REPLACEMENT
According to Professor Ima Doomed of the Institute for Studying Why Humans Keep Screwing Themselves, people engaging with AI tools are essentially providing free labor to improve the very systems that will eventually render them obsolete.
“Every time you use ChatGPT to write an email, you’re basically teaching it how to be a more convincing version of yourself,” explained Doomed. “It’s like volunteering to train your replacement and paying for the privilege. Congratulations, you absolute doormat.”
Studies show that 94% of people who complete AI training courses immediately use their new skills to automate approximately 73% of their current job, after which their employers eliminate their position within 6-8 months.
IN RELATED NEWS: COLLEGES NOW OFFERING DEGREES IN “EXPLAINING TO AI WHY HUMANS SHOULD STILL EXIST”
As of press time, multiple online learning platforms were experiencing server crashes due to unprecedented enrollment in courses titled “How to Convince a Machine You Deserve Oxygen” and “Basic Human Skills That Algorithms Haven’t Mastered Yet (Updated Hourly As List Shrinks).”
