ORANGE MESSIAH HAWKS IMAGINARY BRAIN JUICE TO DESERT BILLIONAIRES, PROMISES “BEST THINKING YOU’VE NEVER HAD”
Former president and current indictment collector Donald Trump embarked on a whirlwind tour of the Middle East last week, selling artificial intelligence technology with the same enthusiasm he once reserved for steaks, universities, and reality TV shows where he fired people for not being attractive enough.
THE ART OF THE DUMB DEAL
Trump, whose knowledge of technology extends to angry all-caps social media posts at 3 AM, somehow positioned himself as America’s premier AI ambassador, convincing oil-rich nations to invest billions in technology he likely believes is “a very smart person named Al.”
“I know AI, I have the best AI. No one knows AI better than me,” Trump reportedly told Saudi officials who nodded politely while their technical advisors quietly contemplated suicide in the corner. “This AI, it’s tremendous. It’s like a brain, but without all the nasty thoughts. No nasty thoughts, folks!”
SILICON VALLEY MEETS SILICONE VALLEY
The visit highlighted America’s strange new export: concentrated digital power packaged in a way that appeals to authoritarian-curious leaders. Trump showcased the US model where technological influence rests comfortably in the hands of a few impossibly wealthy men who’ve never had to wait for anything, ever.
“What we’re witnessing is democracy’s newest form – billionaire boys with thinking machines,” explained Dr. Cassandra Warning, professor of Obvious F@#king Consequences at Reality University. “It’s like giving toddlers nuclear weapons, except the toddlers have stock options and God complexes.”
ABSOLUTELY REAL STATISTICS DEPARTMENT
A stunning 97.4% of all AI deals negotiated during Trump’s trip will directly benefit companies owned by men who have space programs as hobbies. The remaining 2.6% will eventually trickle up to them anyway through a process economists are calling “the inevitable concentration of all wealth into Scrooge McDuck-style money bins.”
WHAT’S IN IT FOR THE GULF STATES?
Gulf leaders seemed particularly interested in surveillance aspects of the technology, with one unnamed Saudi official allegedly asking if AI could “track dissidents more efficiently than our current system of sending bone saw enthusiasts on international trips.”
“This technology will revolutionize our region,” claimed Prince Abdullah bin Buying Everything, who requested anonymity despite being completely made up. “Soon we will be able to oppress our citizens with algorithms instead of actual physical labor. It’s very green technology.”
THE GENETIC GOLD RUSH
In related news, 23andMe, the company that convinced millions of Americans to pay for the privilege of having their genetic information sold to pharmaceutical companies, has been acquired primarily for its massive trove of DNA data.
“We’re not buying a company, we’re buying 14 million people’s most intimate biological information,” explained Farmaceutical Inc. CEO Warren Profitson while bathing in hand sanitizer. “It’s like OnlyFans, but for your chromosomes!”
MUSK ENTERS CHAT, RUINS EVERYTHING
Meanwhile, Elon Musk’s Grok AI confidently told users that Margaret Thatcher was black and Joan of Arc was burned at the stake for being a witch, proving once again that paying $44 billion for a social media platform doesn’t guarantee you’ll know what the f@#k you’re doing with it.
When reached for comment, Musk tweeted “Grok is just being based and telling it like it was” before announcing three new company pivots and accusing random rescue divers of pedophilia.
As Trump departed the Middle East with promises of future deals and definitely-will-happen investments, one thing became abundantly clear: in the race to control the world’s digital future, the only real winners are men who could buy your entire family tree without checking their account balance first.
