ORACLE PLEDGES TO CONSTRUCT MASSIVE DATA CENTERS FOR OPENAI, HUMANITY PLEDGES TO CONTINUE SCROLLING INSTAGRAM WHILE WORLD BURNS
Oracle has announced plans to build data centers providing 4.5 gigawatts of computing power for OpenAI’s so-called “Stargate Project,” a name that absolutely doesn’t sound like something a supervillain would create right before world domination.
THE POWER REQUIREMENTS ARE “TOTALLY REASONABLE” SAYS EVERYONE WITH THEIR FINGERS IN THEIR EARS
The $500 billion venture will require roughly the same energy as powering a small country, but executives insist this is a small price to pay for algorithms that can finally write convincing Seinfeld scripts and generate images of cats wearing tuxedos with unprecedented accuracy.
“We’re talking about 4.5 gigawatts here. That’s enough power to send Marty McFly back to the future approximately 3.75 times,” explained Dr. Watts Thepoint, Oracle’s Chief Electricity Consumption Officer. “But instead of time travel, we’re using it to make sure your phone can tell you what you’d look like as a Renaissance painting.”
EXPERTS WONDER IF MAYBE THERE ARE OTHER PRESSING ISSUES
Critics have suggested that perhaps half a trillion dollars could address minor problems like climate change, global hunger, or the fact that most millennials will die owning nothing but a collection of houseplants.
“Look, I’m not saying AI isn’t important,” said Professor Claire Voiyant, technology ethicist at Reasonable Concerns University. “I’m just wondering if we need to devote the GDP of Sweden to teaching computers how to win arguments on Reddit.”
An OpenAI spokesperson who wished to remain anonymous for fear of being replaced by their own product defended the project, saying, “Listen, do you want to solve cancer or do you want to see what your dog would look like as a 1980s action hero? Because technically we might be able to do both, but we’re definitely focusing on the dog thing first.”
ECONOMIC IMPACT: HOLY SH!T THAT’S A LOT OF MONEY
Financial analysts are calling the $500 billion investment “a f@#king lot of money” and “enough cash to buy everyone in America a decent sandwich.”
When asked about the environmental impact of the massive power consumption, Oracle CEO Safra Catz reportedly said, “Environmental im-what now?” before being whisked away by handlers.
LOCAL RESIDENTS THRILLED ABOUT MYSTERIOUS HUMMING NOISE AND CONSTANT POWER OUTAGES
Communities near the planned data centers are reportedly “super excited” about the constant low-frequency vibrations that will permeate their homes and the rolling blackouts that will occur whenever too many people ask the AI to generate images of “cat playing piano but realistic.”
“I for one welcome our new silicon-based thinking rectangles,” said Definitely Real Local Resident Tom Notmadeup. “Sure, my electricity bill might triple and my children might grow up with mysterious neurological conditions from the electromagnetic fields, but have you SEEN how good these things are at writing cover letters?”
According to industry projections, by 2027, approximately 87% of the nation’s electricity will be devoted to telling people what pizza topping they are based on their astrological sign.
At press time, OpenAI was reportedly considering naming their next project “Doomsday Device 3000,” which they insist is “just a cool name” and “definitely not foreshadowing anything.”
