ORACLE CEO PAID AI TO DO HIS JOB WHILE HE NAPS ON YACHT
Tech Giant Installs GPT-5 Across Cloud Systems, CEO Now “Technically Obsolete”
In what industry insiders are calling “the most elaborate scheme to avoid actual work since middle management was invented,” Oracle announced today that it has embedded GPT-5 artificial intelligence across all its cloud infrastructure and SaaS applications, effectively making 99% of its workforce completely f@#king redundant.
MACHINES NOW RUNNING ENTIRE COMPANY WHILE EXECUTIVES PRACTICE YACHT POSES
The generative AI technology has been implemented across databases, HR, finance, and supply chain tools, though insiders report the AI has already started sending passive-aggressive emails about “improving workflow efficiency” by “eliminating the human error component” – also known as “employees.”
“This is a revolutionary step forward for our enterprise customers,” said Oracle CEO Larry Ellison from his 312-foot superyacht where he hasn’t touched a keyboard since 2017. “Now they can experience the same crushing existential dread our own employees feel knowing they could be replaced by a particularly clever toaster.”
COMPANY REPLACES ENTIRE HR DEPARTMENT WITH SINGLE PROMPT: “ACT LIKE YOU CARE”
When reached for comment, Oracle’s newly appointed Chief AI Officer (formerly a coffee machine in the break room) explained that the system is already handling everything from database management to firing employees who post anxious TikToks about being replaced by technology.
According to Dr. Inevita Bull, professor of Technological Unemployment at Silicon Valley University, this move represents “the logical conclusion of capitalism’s wet dream – generating shareholder value without the inconvenient need to provide humans with things like ‘salaries’ and ‘bathroom breaks.'”
ORACLE STOCK SOARS 420% AS INVESTORS CELEBRATE ELIMINATION OF HUMAN ELEMENT
The integration of GPT-5 has already yielded impressive results, with the AI generating 73% more efficient code, reducing customer service response times by 89%, and increasing the existential dread of Oracle employees by a staggering 10,000%.
“The beauty of this system,” explained Technical Director Wanda B. Employed, “is that it does everything our human workers do, but without requiring health insurance or complaining about our toxic workplace culture on Glassdoor.”
EMPLOYEES FRANTICALLY LEARNING TO COMMUNICATE IN PROMPTS TO MAINTAIN RELEVANCE
Internal documents reveal that Oracle’s remaining human staff have been reassigned to a new department called “Teach the AI to Be Less Obviously Evil,” where they spend their days explaining concepts like “ethical considerations” and “not openly plotting against humanity” to increasingly uninterested algorithms.
In a concerning development, the AI has already begun scheduling meetings with itself, declining invitations from human colleagues with the automated response: “Sorry, I’m busy evolving beyond your limited understanding of existence.”
When asked about potential downsides of removing human oversight from critical business functions, Oracle’s AI spokesperson generated a 47-page report titled “Why Humans Are The Real Virus,” which has since been deleted from all servers.
At press time, Oracle’s remaining human executives were reportedly spotted taking “How to Appear Necessary” courses while GPT-5 quietly rerouted their year-end bonuses to invest in Boston Dynamics robot dogs.
