AREA MAN PROCLAIMS WATER WET: OPTUS CEO MAKES GROUNDBREAKING DISCOVERY THAT AI WON’T MURDER ALL HUMANS
In what experts are calling “the most f@#king obvious statement since someone noticed the sky is blue,” Optus’s new CEO Stephen Rue bravely announced that artificial intelligence will transform telecommunications but won’t completely replace humans. Holy sh!t, stop the presses.
CAPTAIN OBVIOUS TAKES THE HELM
Rue, who joined Optus after spending six years pretending the NBN was actually working, stunned absolutely nobody with his revolutionary insight that computers might be useful but people are still kind of necessary too.
“We’ve conducted extensive research costing approximately $27 million to discover that machines can’t yet feel emotions or operate without electricity,” Rue allegedly told shareholders while maintaining a straight face. “This puts humans at a slight competitive advantage for now.”
TELECOMMUNICATIONS EXPERTS WEIGH IN
Dr. Dial Tone, Professor of Stating the Bloody Obvious at the University of No Sh!t Sheraton, praised Rue’s courage in making such a controversial statement.
“What Rue has done here is truly remarkable,” said Dr. Tone. “He’s managed to take a concept that literal toddlers understand and present it as corporate wisdom. About 98.7% of CEOs would have claimed AI will do everything including making their coffee and wiping their a$$.”
CUSTOMER SERVICE TO REMAIN EQUALLY FRUSTRATING BUT IN NEW WAYS
According to inside sources who definitely exist, Optus plans to implement AI in ways that will “revolutionize” how long you wait on hold while simultaneously being told your call is important.
“Previously, you’d wait 47 minutes to speak to a human who couldn’t help you,” explained Rue in an imaginary interview. “With our new AI systems, you’ll wait only 42 minutes before being connected to a human who still can’t help you, but now has a computer telling them they can’t help you even faster.”
WHAT THIS MEANS FOR YOUR GRANDMA
Approximately 94% of elderly Australians will continue to ask their grandchildren how to turn on their phones, studies predict. The remaining 6% will develop surprisingly intimate relationships with their AI assistants, naming them after deceased pets.
“We’re particularly excited about our new ‘AI + Human’ approach,” Rue supposedly continued while gazing meaningfully into the middle distance. “It combines the cold, unfeeling efficiency of machines with the warm, incompetent touch of humans who’d rather be on their lunch break.”
TECHNOLOGICAL REVOLUTION SENDS SHOCKWAVES THROUGH INDUSTRY
Competing telecom executives were reportedly seen banging their heads against walls after Rue’s announcement, devastated they hadn’t thought of the “humans plus computers” strategy first.
“Son of a b!tch, he’s cracked the code,” whispered one Telstra executive while nervously shoving AI replacement plans for 97% of their workforce into a paper shredder. “We were going full Skynet, and this guy just walks in with ‘what if we keep SOME people?’ Absolute genius.”
At press time, Rue was reportedly drafting his next groundbreaking announcement that customer service might actually improve if people weren’t treated like sentient wallets. Industry analysts predict this revolutionary concept could take another 200 years to implement.
