SILICON VALLEY MONEY PRINTER OPENAI VALUED AT $500 BILLION WHILE ACTUAL COMPANIES MAKING REAL SH!T STRUGGLE
In what financial experts are calling “peak f@#king stupidity,” ChatGPT creator OpenAI is reportedly seeking a valuation of $500 billion despite having never manufactured a single physical product that you can hold in your hands or accidentally drop in the toilet.
IMAGINARY MONEY FOR IMAGINARY PRODUCTS
OpenAI, the company responsible for that thing you use to write emails to your boss when you’re too lazy to think, is now apparently worth more than Ford, GM, Boeing, and every other company that builds actual stuff combined. The valuation comes as the company prepares for a share sale that financial analysts describe as “basically printing money based on vibes.”
“This is completely normal and not at all a sign of a catastrophic bubble,” explained Dr. Ivor Ponzi, chief economic hallucinator at Goldman Sachs. “Who needs cars or planes when you can have an algorithm that writes mediocre poetry and occasionally makes up historical events?”
MEANWHILE IN THE REAL WORLD
As digital companies built on promises and buzzwords soar to stratospheric valuations, Honda Motor reported that its profits have been cut in half due to tariffs, supply chain issues, and the radical concept that manufacturing physical objects costs actual money.
“We only make millions of vehicles that transport humans safely across the planet,” lamented Honda CEO Toshihiro Mibe. “If only we’d pivoted to creating digital hallucinations instead of reliable transportation, we’d be worth trillions by now.”
LONDON STOCK EXCHANGE CELEBRATES MEDIOCRITY
The FTSE 100 approached record highs today, coming within 6 points of its previous peak. Market watchers described the performance as “the financial equivalent of almost having an orgasm but then someone knocks on the bathroom door.”
EXPERTS WEIGH IN WITH ABSOLUTE NONSENSE
“What we’re seeing is a fundamental disconnect between perceived value and reality,” explained Professor Reality Check from the University of Obvious Conclusions. “OpenAI could literally be valued at a bazillion dollars tomorrow if they just add one more button to their interface that says ‘EXTRA SMART MODE’ even if it does absolutely nothing.”
Financial statistician Emma Counting reports that “94.7% of investors couldn’t explain what OpenAI actually does if you held a gun to their head, but 100% would mortgage their grandmother’s nursing home to buy shares.”
COAL COMPANY EXECUTIVES FEELING LIKE IDIOTS
Executives at Glencore, which mines actual resources from the actual earth using actual machinery and actual human labor, reportedly feel like “complete morons” for choosing such an outdated business model.
“We’ve been digging valuable materials out of the ground like suckers,” said one Glencore executive who requested anonymity because he was crying. “If only we’d known we could have just made a website that generates pictures of cats wearing hats, we’d be gazillionaires by now.”
As of press time, OpenAI was considering increasing its valuation to $1 trillion after adding a feature that lets users choose between three different font sizes, which venture capitalists described as “literally the most innovative thing we’ve ever seen in our goddamn lives.”
