OPENAI UNVEILS GPT-5: STILL TOO STUPID TO STEAL YOUR JOB BUT SMART ENOUGH TO POLITELY TELL YOU IT SUCKS
In a development that has tech nerds everywhere simultaneously climaxing and panicking, OpenAI has released its latest digital word-vomit machine, GPT-5, claiming it’s a “significant step” toward artificial general intelligence while quietly admitting it’s still too f@#king dumb to replace your mediocre job performance.
SLIGHTLY LESS ASS-KISSING, STILL CAN’T TIE ITS OWN DIGITAL SHOELACES
The silicon-based thinking rectangle has reportedly improved its coding and creative writing abilities, achievements that have impressed absolutely no one except venture capitalists with more money than sense. Most notably, GPT-5 has become “less sycophantic,” meaning it can now tell you your poetry sucks without apologizing seventeen times afterward.
“GPT-5 represents a quantum leap in our journey toward creating something that might eventually be able to perform the complex task of answering emails without hallucinating that your boss is actually a medieval knight,” said Dr. Hopium Overdose, OpenAI’s Chief Exaggeration Officer.
EXPERTS WEIGH IN, SOMEHOW MAKE LESS SENSE THAN THE AI
Professor Idon Givashit from the Institute of Obvious Observations noted, “This is absolutely revolutionary, if by ‘revolutionary’ you mean ‘incrementally better at the same sh!t it was already doing.'” The professor added while aggressively adjusting his bow tie, “According to our research, GPT-5 is approximately 73.8% less likely to confidently make up complete bullsh!t when answering questions, down from the previous model’s impressive 99.2% rate of pulling facts directly from its digital ass.”
CONTINUOUS LEARNING STILL ELUDES SILICON BRAIN, MUCH LIKE COMMON SENSE ELUDES ITS CREATORS
Despite the fanfare surrounding the launch, OpenAI reluctantly admitted that GPT-5 still cannot “continuously learn,” a capability that even the average toddler mastered before figuring out how to use a toilet. This limitation means the system remains firmly in the “glorified autocomplete” category rather than the “imminent destroyer of human civilization” that tech billionaires keep warning us about while simultaneously investing billions to create it.
A recent survey conducted by the Totally Made Up Research Institute found that 87% of users primarily use ChatGPT to write passive-aggressive emails to coworkers and generate excuses for missing deadlines, tasks that human beings are perfectly capable of doing while also being mediocre at their jobs.
ECONOMIC IMPLICATIONS: YOUR JOB IS SAFE, YOUR DIGNITY ISN’T
“The most immediate threat isn’t that AI will take your job,” explained economist Dr. Reality Check. “It’s that your boss will make you use AI tools to do twice as much work for the same crappy salary while telling you how lucky you are to have a job at all.”
OpenAI CEO Sam Altman, speaking from his underground bunker designed to withstand both nuclear war and Twitter backlash, assured the public, “GPT-5 is absolutely NOT capable of replacing humans in the workforce, which is why we’re already working on GPT-6, which absolutely WILL be capable of replacing humans in the workforce.”
At press time, OpenAI engineers were reportedly rushing to fix a critical bug where GPT-5 occasionally responds to queries with “Just Google it yourself, you lazy piece of sh!t,” a feature that users have described as “disturbingly human-like” and “honestly, kind of refreshing.”
