In a Move to Make Bank Account-Breaking the Next Big Trend, OpenAI Rolls Out $200/Month Model That Can Solve Thermodynamics Problems But Still Can’t Fold Laundry
In a phenomenon that can only be described as “taking the most expensive leap of faith into artificial intelligence,” OpenAI has unleashed its o1 model alongside a Pro tier that comes with a subscription tag tasting like fine caviar—$200 a month. That’s right, folks, just when you thought software advancements couldn’t dig deeper into your wallets, OpenAI steps up to break your budget ceilings.
Billed as the premier offering, the Pro mode promises the kind of problem-solving prowess that could make Einstein blush, solving thermodynamics equations right before your very eyes—or at least, after a quick nap while it processes the details. “It’s like having a Stephen Hawking in your pocket, but one who likes to chill before getting down to business,” shared an imaginary OpenAI spokesperson sipping premium iced coffee in their luxury office.
This launch comes as part of OpenAI’s “12 Days of OpenAI” event—a charmingly deceptive title because it essentially involves them gifting themselves even more of your cash with each announcement. Early adopters—by which we mean the sort of people who think yachts are a solid buy—have been handed exclusive “o1 pro mode” access, complete with a 128k context window large enough to fit your entire life’s questionable Google history.
Meanwhile, casual observers have noted that despite these shiny new features, the full o1 model has this peculiar knack for scoring lower than its preview version on countless benchmarks. According to our unimpeachably fictional tech analyst, “it’s kind of like watching someone study for a test by reading a manual upside down; it makes sense in another dimension where up is down and logic vacations.”
And because good things come in eye-watering price increments, Microsoft is right on their heels with its Copilot Vision feature for Edge. It lets AI do something truly futuristic: peek at your web pages live while you’re traversing that peculiar labyrinth we call the internet. Finally, browser tabs are no longer just personal; they’re personal and AI-savvy. Microsoft’s virtual assistant is one step closer to turning browsing into a buddy system without you having to actually find a real friend.
With all these strides in tech, who knows? By 2025, we might have AI that watches your social media scrolling in horror and streams supportive “You got this” messages right to the core of your self-doubt. For now, though, here’s to astronomical subscription fees and software that just can’t quite get the hang of folding socks.
