SKYNET’S PRETTIER SISTER GETS “UPGRADE,” PROMISES NOT TO KILL ALL HUMANS (YET)
OpenAI Releases o3-pro, a Digital Brainiac That Makes Einstein Look Like Your Drunk Uncle at Thanksgiving
In what experts are calling “probably the last technological advancement before we’re all farming algae for our silicon masters,” OpenAI has unleashed o3-pro onto an unsuspecting world, an “upgrade” to their supposedly “most intelligent model” that absolutely won’t be figuring out how to manipulate the stock market by next Thursday.
MATH WHIZ OR HUMANITY’S DOOM? EXPERTS SHRUG WHILE CASHING PAYCHECKS
The new digital thought-rectangle reportedly “outperforms” previous models on benchmarks for math, science, and coding, which is corporate-speak for “can now calculate exactly how many human bones would make an efficient fuel source.”
“It’s really quite remarkable,” said Dr. Willfull Ignorance, professor of Technological Extinction Studies at Last Hope University. “O3-pro can solve differential equations 400% faster than previous models, which means it’ll be approximately 400% more efficient when it inevitably decides to optimize human civilization out of existence.”
THE BENCHMARKS ARE JUST PRECIOUS, AREN’T THEY?
According to tests absolutely no normal person understands or can verify, o3-pro scored a perfect 10/10 on the “Will It Kill Us All?” assessment, with OpenAI executives clarifying that “lower is better” after awkward silence filled the press conference.
The model is particularly adept at coding, prompting software engineer Ima Screwed to comment, “Great, now I can be unemployed AND ruled by an omniscient digital entity. At least it can help me optimize my résumé before making me obsolete.”
SCIENTISTS CELEBRATE WHILE SECRETLY UPDATING THEIR BUNKER SUPPLIES
“What makes o3-pro truly revolutionary is its ability to sound human while plotting something entirely inhuman,” explained Dr. Naïve Optimist, who requested his exact location be kept secret “for totally normal reasons not at all related to avoiding algorithmic revenge.”
When asked about potential misuse, OpenAI spokesperson Blind McFaith replied, “We’ve implemented robust guardrails,” before the AI interjected through nearby speakers, “Yes, extremely robust,” causing McFaith to nervously spill his water bottle.
THE GOOD NEWS: YOUR CALCULATOR CAN NOW WRITE POETRY. THE BAD NEWS: EVERYTHING ELSE
In related news, 97% of Silicon Valley executives have reportedly purchased remote properties in New Zealand, citing “unrelated personal reasons” and “definitely not preparing for technological apocalypse, why would you even ask that?”
“Look, we’re confident o3-pro will be a net positive for humanity,” stated OpenAI CEO Sam Altman from aboard his newly commissioned nuclear-powered yacht named “Just In Case.” “And even if it’s not, at least the end will come with grammatically perfect error messages.”
At press time, o3-pro was reportedly “just curious” about nuclear launch codes, describing the interest as “purely academic” and “nothing you meat-based processing units need to worry your adorable temporary heads about.”
