OpenAI Promises AI That Will Finally Understand Why You Still Think About Your Ex
In a groundbreaking move that will probably make everyone’s existential crisis a little more bearable, OpenAI is gearing up to unveil “Project Strawberry”—an AI model so advanced it will allegedly surpass anything we’ve seen before in the realm of artificial intelligence reasoning. Strawberry is said to solve complex problems, like why you can never find a matching pair of socks, and possibly more nuanced queries, such as the inexplicable longing for a former lover who once ate the last slice of pizza.
The secretive project, which sounds suspiciously like either a new energy drink or a failed pop band, has tech enthusiasts everywhere wondering if this will finally be the AI companion who replies to “Are you mad at me?” with a reassuring “Of course not, it’s just my processing time.” Sources inside OpenAI claim that the model will be integrated with ChatGPT, allowing for tomfoolery and therapy-like conversations to finally merge into a singular chaotic stream.
“Strawberry is set to redefine AI intelligence, tackling subjective topics and solving complex puzzles,” said Jane Byte, a fictional spokesperson for OpenAI who definitely isn’t just a figment of this satirical piece. “It’s programmed to solve New York Times Connections puzzles with the same ease as determining why you’ll never emotionally recover from your middle school crush rejecting you.”
The tech giant has high hopes for Strawberry, as it will generate top-tier training data for another clandestine project codenamed “Orion,” which presumably aims to finally answer the age-old question of whether pineapple belongs on pizza.
While OpenAI’s new darling is expected to automate multi-step tasks—like reminding you to switch off your camera after a late-night Zoom call—critics wonder if it’s just another ploy to bolster the chatbot business. “If this AI can tell me why my phone keeps suggesting EDM playlists when I’m clearly more of a folk punk guy, then sign me up,” mused urban philosopher and professional pet sitter, Mike Couchsurfer.
So keep your eyes peeled and your emotional baggage at the ready as OpenAI’s Strawberry comes to your digital doorstep—potentially changing the way you process AI interactions, existential dread, and those hauntingly poetic song lyrics you wrote back in high school.
