MAN WHO UNVEILED LANGUAGE MODEL THAT CAN HALLUCINATE FAIRY TALES BOLDLY DECLARES IT “NOT AUTHORITARIAN”
In a move reminiscent of a drug dealer opening franchises worldwide while claiming they’re “just selling vitamins,” OpenAI announced its “OpenAI for Countries” initiative, promising governments everywhere a “clear alternative to authoritarian versions of AI,” despite being run by a company that regularly pulls features without warning and once fired its CEO faster than you can say “board coup.”
DICTATORS WORLDWIDE CELEBRATE HAVING TWO FLAVORS OF SURVEILLANCE TO CHOOSE FROM
The initiative, part of the ominously named “Stargate Project” (because nothing says “we’re not authoritarian” like naming your project after a military sci-fi portal), aims to localize ChatGPT to countries beyond America’s borders, presumably so people in every nation can receive equally vague answers about how to bake cookies while having their data harvested.
“We’re offering countries a beautiful choice between authoritarian AI systems and our completely different system that we pinky-swear isn’t authoritarian despite being controlled by a handful of Silicon Valley billionaires,” said Sam Altman, OpenAI CEO and part-time survivor of corporate execution attempts.
EXPERTS WEIGH IN WITH ABSOLUTELY NO SKEPTICISM WHATSOEVER
Dr. Payme Bigbucks, Professor of Naive Technological Optimism at the University of Unquestioning Faith, praised the move. “This is definitely about bringing AI benefits to the world and not at all about establishing market dominance before regulations catch up,” she said while counting a stack of unmarked bills. “The fact that Stargate sounds like a Pentagon black project is purely coincidental.”
Studies show that 94% of countries are absolutely thrilled to have their cultural expressions, languages, and societal norms interpreted by an algorithm trained primarily on Reddit posts and fan fiction. The remaining 6% were unavailable for comment as they were busy building their own AI systems.
LOCAL INFRASTRUCTURES TO BE BUILT BY PEOPLE WHO STRUGGLE TO KEEP THEIR OWN SERVERS ONLINE
A key part of the initiative involves building AI infrastructure in participating countries, which experts agree is “totally not creating dependency” and “absolutely not a way to ensure these nations remain technologically subordinate to Western tech companies.”
“We’re excited to offer countries the chance to pour billions into infrastructure that will be obsolete by the time it’s completed,” said fictional OpenAI Chief Global Officer, Hugh Jassle. “Plus, they get the added benefit of having all their citizens’ data flow through systems we control. It’s a win-win, where we define what ‘winning’ means!”
COMPETITORS FRANTICALLY SCRAMBLE TO COLONIZE REMAINING DIGITAL TERRITORY
Not to be outdone, other tech firms are reportedly rushing similar initiatives. Google is said to be working on “CultureMatrix,” which will allow it to abandon products in 147 different languages, while Meta is developing “WorldFace,” described by insiders as “just Facebook but with more opportunity to destabilize developing democracies.”
According to imaginary statistics compiled by the International Institute for Taking Tech Companies at Their Word, approximately 100% of technological initiatives described as “democratizing” or “empowering” end up concentrating power in the exact same hands as before, just with better PR.
At press time, OpenAI was reportedly considering additional names for their global initiative, with “Definitely Not Digital Colonialism” and “Sovereignty? What’s That?” currently leading internal polls.
