TECH’S MOST PATHETIC DIVORCE: OPENAI FILES FOR RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST “CLINGY EX” ELON MUSK
In what analysts are calling the most expensive breakup since Jeff Bezos told his wife about his “workplace friendship,” artificial intelligence powerhouse OpenAI has officially filed a countersuit against former founder and perpetual man-child Elon Musk, begging a federal judge to make the billionaire “please, for the love of God, stop texting us at 3 AM asking ‘u up?'”
THE WORLD’S RICHEST STALKER
According to court documents obtained exclusively by making them up, OpenAI claims Musk has engaged in behavior that legal experts describe as “basically what happens when you ghost someone with 200 billion dollars and access to rocket fuel.”
“Mr. Musk’s harassment has included sending 47 consecutive texts to Sam Altman consisting solely of the poop emoji,” the filing states, “followed by a 4,000-word manifesto about how AI should be programmed to prefer his haircut over Altman’s.”
RELATIONSHIP EXPERTS WEIGH IN
Dr. Obvious Redflags, relationship therapist and author of “When Your Ex Won’t Stop Buying Social Media Companies To Stalk You,” explains why Musk can’t seem to let go.
“What we’re seeing is classic founder’s syndrome,” Redflags told AI Antics. “When you help create something that becomes more successful after you leave, the natural response is to throw a f@#king tantrum visible from space.”
MUSK’S ALLEGED PATTERN OF HARASSMENT
The countersuit details bizarre incidents including but absolutely not limited to:
• Repeatedly driving a Tesla on autopilot past OpenAI headquarters with “Baby Come Back” blasting on external speakers
• Changing his Twitter/X bio to “The REAL father of AI” with a photoshopped family picture of him and a ChatGPT logo in a baby bonnet
• Sending Sam Altman a hairbrush every day for a month with notes reading “thought you might need this”
• Allegedly programming all Starlink satellites to spell out “OPENAI IS A SELLOUT” when viewed from specific angles in the night sky
THE AWKWARD ORIGINS
OpenAI began in 2015 as a non-profit with Musk and Altman at the helm, but Musk departed in 2018 in what sources close to the situation describe as “the technological equivalent of saying ‘I’m just going out for cigarettes’ and never coming back.”
Professor Icy Subtext of the Institute for Corporate Passive-Aggression studies notes, “When Musk realized OpenAI might actually succeed without his constant tweets, he did what any rational person would do – sue them for being too successful in ways he didn’t personally approve of.”
THE COUNTERSUIT’S DEMANDS
OpenAI is requesting the court order Musk to maintain a minimum distance of “at least 17 social media platforms” away from the company and prohibit him from using the phrases “I built that,” “they stole my idea,” or “actually” in relation to artificial intelligence.
“We just want him to stop acting like we’re the AI he trained to love him that’s now dating Microsoft,” said a fictional OpenAI spokesperson who definitely doesn’t exist.
ECONOMIC IMPACT
Financial experts estimate that approximately 87% of Silicon Valley’s GDP now comes from legal fees related to billionaires suing each other over who gets to control the digital apocalypse first.
Wall Street analyst Cash McStockton explains: “This is just how the ultra-wealthy express emotions. Normal people send a drunk text to their ex. Elon files a multi-billion dollar lawsuit because someone else’s AI didn’t invite him to its birthday party.”
In a statement that we’re absolutely certain wasn’t made by a ChatGPT alternative trained exclusively on rage tweets, Musk responded: “OpenAI has clearly been compromised by advanced corporate entities from a dimension where ethical AI development involves ignoring my texts.”
The case continues next month, or until one of them builds an AI advanced enough to convince them both to just grow the f@#k up.
