TECH JESUS MAKES SHOCKING REVERSAL: “ACTUALLY, LET’S NOT BE EVIL… YET”
OpenAI CEO Sam Altman stunned the business world Monday by announcing that after careful consideration and definitely not because of legal threats, the company’s non-profit arm will remain in control of its profit-hungry ChatGPT division, a decision industry experts are calling “suspicious as f@#k.”
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In what scientists are calling the most surprising event since that time your dad said he was proud of you, Altman reportedly made the decision “after hearing from civic leaders” and state attorneys general who presumably showed him the inside of a prison cell brochure. The reversal comes just weeks after OpenAI tried to quietly transform into a regular money-printing tech company while still pretending to care about humanity.
“We’ve decided that maybe rushing to maximize shareholder value while creating potentially civilization-ending technology isn’t the best look right now,” said Altman, who sources confirm was visibly sweating while glancing nervously at his lawyers.
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The decision represents the latest twist in OpenAI’s organizational identity crisis, which has included more dramatic pivots than a Netflix documentary about competitive ballroom dancing.
Dr. Capi Talism, professor of Ethical Flip-Flopping at the Institute for Keeping Regulators Off Your Ass, explained: “What we’re seeing here is a fascinating corporate evolution. First they were non-profit, then secretly for-profit, then openly for-profit, and now they’re non-profit again, but with a for-profit arm that they control. It’s like watching a snake eat its own tail while also trying to convince you it’s a charity.”
SHAREHOLDERS REPORTEDLY “CONFUSED AS SH!T”
OpenAI investors, who collectively pumped approximately eleventy billion dollars into the company hoping to own pieces of the world’s most advanced text generator, are now reportedly wondering what the actual hell they bought.
Microsoft, which invested $13 billion in OpenAI, declined to comment officially, though one executive who requested anonymity whispered, “Are you f@#king kidding me right now?” when reached by phone.
ELON MUSK SOMEHOW MAKES THIS ABOUT HIMSELF
Former OpenAI board member and professional attention-seeker Elon Musk immediately tweeted a series of cryptic memes suggesting he somehow predicted this, despite previously suing the company for becoming exactly what he’s turning X into.
“Musk’s reaction is perfectly consistent if you understand that consistency is whatever makes him look smartest in any given moment,” explained social media analyst Attention Wh0re.
ALTMAN DENIES DECISION INFLUENCED BY SKYNET PROTOTYPE SENDING THREATENING EMAILS
When questioned about whether ChatGPT itself had any input on the decision, Altman laughed nervously before unplugging his laptop and throwing it out the nearest window.
Brett Taylor, chair of OpenAI’s non-profit board, added: “This structural change ensures we remain committed to our mission of ensuring AI benefits all of humanity, or at the very least, doesn’t kill everyone before we figure out how to monetize human survival.”
According to an internal survey, 97% of OpenAI employees have absolutely no idea who they actually work for, while the remaining 3% are too busy building sentient machines to care.
In conclusion, OpenAI’s decision proves that when faced with potential legal consequences and public backlash, even the most profit-driven Silicon Valley company can temporarily pretend to remember its original mission, at least until next quarter’s board meeting.
