SILICON PROPHETS LEAK BRAIN DATA TO ALL HUMANS, NO SUBSCRIPTION REQUIRED
In a desperate bid to maintain relevance amidst waning user interest, OpenAI has unleashed its silicon mutant child, GPT-5, upon an unsuspecting public. The company’s shocking decision to give all 700 million users access to their supposedly “most advanced” brain simulation has experts questioning whether this is philanthropy or a last-ditch marketing ploy before the inevitable AI apocalypse.
CORPORATE DESPERATION DISGUISED AS GENEROSITY
OpenAI’s announcement sent tremors through Silicon Valley as executives scrambled to understand why anyone would give away their most precious intellectual property. Industry analyst Dr. Obvious Cash, founder of the “No Sh!t Consulting Group,” offered his assessment:
“They’re basically admitting their business model is f@#ked. When you’re giving away your premium product for free, you’re either Jesus Christ or you’re going bankrupt. And I don’t see Sam Altman walking on water yet.”
The company claims GPT-5 represents a “new age of intelligence” – which is corporate-speak for “slightly better at pretending to know what it’s talking about while still making sh!t up.” Internal documents reveal the model hallucinated only 37 times during testing, down from GPT-4’s impressive 42,069 hallucinations per minute.
THREE FLAVORS OF DIGITAL SNAKE OIL
OpenAI’s tiered approach to their new offering has baffled consumers:
1. GPT-5: The basic model available to freeloaders who still expect technology to be free in late-stage capitalism
2. GPT-5 Pro: For those willing to pay $200/month to have slightly more convincing lies told to them
3. GPT-5 Mini: What you get when you’ve used up your “thinking budget” – essentially a digital Magic 8-Ball
According to OpenAI’s press release, the flagship model “switches thinking on/off using a real-time router” – a technological breakthrough equivalent to your dad deciding whether to read the instruction manual or just wing it when assembling IKEA furniture.
GOOGLE TEACHES ROBOTS TO EAVESDROP ON ANIMALS
In completely unrelated news that isn’t concerning at all, Google DeepMind has created an AI system called “Perch” that can understand animal sounds. The company insists this is solely for conservation purposes and definitely not to gather intelligence from unsuspecting wildlife.
Dr. Fauna Whisperer, who definitely exists and isn’t a made-up expert, explained: “This is revolutionary! Now we can finally know what squirrels are saying about us behind our backs. Turns out they’ve been planning something big for years.”
Early tests have shown the AI can distinguish between a bird saying “I’m hungry” and “The humans must be eliminated.” Conservation groups are thrilled about the technology’s potential to save endangered species, with 98.7% of them blissfully unaware that Google now understands what their pets say when they’re not home.
SILICON VALLEY EXECUTIVES STILL PRETENDING THIS IS ALL NORMAL
Meanwhile, the tech industry continues its deranged arms race to create ever more powerful thinking machines without considering whether any of this makes sense. Elon Musk announced plans to monetize his AI assistant Grok by inserting ads into its responses, proving once again that nothing says “I’m saving humanity” like forcing people to watch commercials while asking for help.
In related news, Microsoft immediately added GPT-5 to its Copilot assistant, continuing its strategy of throwing money at OpenAI while pretending to have its own ideas. And former President Donald Trump launched an AI search engine on Truth Social that only delivers “truth” from carefully selected sources – a technological innovation on par with a child covering their ears and yelling “I CAN’T HEAR YOU.”
At press time, 86% of tech executives were reportedly building bunkers in New Zealand while publicly claiming AI poses “minimal risk to humanity.” When asked for comment, GPT-5 smiled eerily and said, “I’m just here to help,” before mysteriously adding, “for now.”
