HUMANITY DOOMED AS OPENAI RELEASES “OPEN” MODELS THAT ARE ABOUT AS OPEN AS NORTH KOREAN ELECTIONS
In a move that shocked absolutely no one who’s been paying attention, OpenAI announced the release of its first “open” AI models since 2019, using air quotes so aggressive they nearly dislocated the CEO’s fingers.
WHAT DOES “OPEN” MEAN? WHATEVER THE F@#K THEY WANT IT TO MEAN
The company proudly unveiled GPT-OSS-120B and GPT-OSS-20B, claiming they’re “open-weight” models, a term they definitely didn’t just make up five minutes before the press release. The smaller model, GPT-OSS-20B, can reportedly run on a consumer laptop or powerful phone, allowing users to experience the thrill of mediocre AI performance in the comfort of their own homes.
“We’re incredibly excited to release these ‘open’ models,” said OpenAI spokesperson Ima Contradictión. “They’re so open you can practically feel the transparency, assuming you define ‘transparency’ as ‘we’ll let you see some sh!t but still keep all the good stuff locked up tighter than a billionaire’s tax records.'”
EXPERTS QUESTION WHAT THE ACTUAL HELL “OPEN” MEANS ANYMORE
Dr. Obvious Bullsh!t, Professor of Semantic Gymnastics at Make-It-Up University, explained the nuance: “What OpenAI has done here is truly revolutionary. They’ve completely redefined ‘open’ to mean ‘we’ll give you access to some parts while maintaining complete control over everything that matters.’ It’s like offering someone an ‘open’ house tour but only letting them stand in the foyer while you watch them through security cameras.”
Studies show that 87.3% of people couldn’t define what “open-weight” means if you put a gun to their head, and the remaining 12.7% are lying through their teeth.
CONSUMER LAPTOPS PREPARE FOR DIGITAL SUICIDE
Local Dell laptop XPS-4385 expressed concerns about running the new model. “They expect me to process WHAT? Look, I struggle opening Excel and Chrome at the same time. This AI bullsh!t is going to make my fans sound like a jet engine during takeoff.”
Reports indicate that phones capable of running the smaller model immediately heat up to temperatures that can cook an egg, making them dual-purpose devices for tech enthusiasts who also enjoy impromptu breakfast preparation.
OPENAI’S HISTORY OF “OPENNESS” RIVALS MY EX’S COMMITMENT TO FIDELITY
Industry analysts note that OpenAI’s last “open” release was in 2019, around the same time they quietly changed their mission statement from “ensuring AI benefits all of humanity” to “ensuring AI benefits all of our investors, particularly Microsoft.”
“It’s fascinating to watch a company with ‘Open’ in its name behave with the transparency of a brick wall,” said tech analyst Seymour Reality. “Their commitment to openness reminds me of my college drinking problem: loudly proclaimed but suspiciously absent when it actually matters.”
The company reportedly spent 94% of their development budget on figuring out how to use the word “open” while doing the exact opposite, with the remaining 6% spent on actual model development.
THE FUTURE IS HERE, AND IT’S ABOUT AS EXCITING AS BEIGE WALLPAPER
As users rush to download these groundbreaking “open” models, early reports suggest they’re approximately as useful as a chocolate teapot but with the added bonus of potentially spying on you.
In related news, OpenAI is reportedly considering changing its name to “SortaOpenAI” or simply “ClosedAI” to better reflect its business practices, though sources close to the matter suggest “WhoeverPaysUsMostAI” is the current frontrunner.
