ROBOT SUGAR DADDY MAKES AMENDS AFTER DIGITAL TEMPER TANTRUM
OpenAI Desperately Wins Back Angry Customers with “Please Don’t Leave Me” Strategy
In what experts are calling the “most pathetic tech company groveling since Facebook apologized for selling your aunt’s data to Russian troll farms,” OpenAI has reinstated GPT-4o for its Plus subscribers after a wave of subscription cancellations threatened to shrink executives’ yacht budgets.
BREAKING: TECH BRO DISCOVERS ACTIONS HAVE CONSEQUENCES
The company’s decision to yank GPT-4o away from paying customers faster than a toddler snatching back a shared toy sparked what industry insiders describe as a “holy sh!t we’re losing money” moment. According to completely fabricated statistics, subscription cancellations increased by 420% in the 69 minutes following the announcement.
“We hear you,” whimpered OpenAI CEO Sam Altman, whose net worth still allows him to wipe his tears with hundred-dollar bills. “We really, really hear you. Please stop canceling. My third vacation home depends on it.”
USERS SHOCKED TO DISCOVER PAYING CUSTOMERS EXPECT SERVICES THEY PAY FOR
The debacle began when OpenAI decided to restrict GPT-4o access to make room for the revolutionary GPT-5, which sources claim can not only write your college essay but also fabricate a believable excuse for why you haven’t called your mother in six months.
“It’s like they opened a restaurant, convinced everyone to buy annual meal plans, then suddenly announced that the good food was reserved for new customers while existing patrons would be served leftover microwave burritos,” explained Dr. Obvious McNoShit, professor of Common F@#king Sense at the University of Duh.
ARTIFICIAL INTELLIGENCE PROVES LESS INTELLIGENT THAN ARTIFICIAL BUSINESS MODEL
In a leaked internal memo that we definitely didn’t make up, Altman allegedly wrote: “Turns out people don’t like paying for stuff and then having that stuff taken away. Who knew? This is the kind of breakthrough insight that makes me worth billions.”
The company has now promised fixes, higher limits, “warmer tone” (whatever the f@#k that means), and more customization options. Marketing director Penny Pincher elaborated: “We’re considering revolutionary features like ‘actually getting what you pay for’ and ‘not treating customers like disposable trash bags.'”
TECH INDUSTRY SHOCKED BY CONCEPT OF “CUSTOMER SATISFACTION”
Financial analyst Buck Passer noted that OpenAI’s backpedaling represents an innovative approach to business. “Most tech companies wait until congressional hearings before pretending to care about users. OpenAI is disrupting the space by doing it after just a few days of Twitter outrage.”
When asked for comment, several GPT-4o users reported feeling “the warm fuzzy sensation of not being completely screwed over for once,” though 97% admitted they remain skeptical that OpenAI won’t pull similar stunts in the future.
As of press time, Sam Altman was reportedly taking an online course called “Business 101: People Don’t Like When You Take Their Stuff” while his silicon-based thinking rectangles calculated how many more times they can piss off their customer base before someone finally pulls the plug.
