CIVILIZATION DOOMS ITSELF AS OPENAI RECEIVES ENOUGH MONEY TO BUY ACTUAL COUNTRY
In a move experts are calling “the financial equivalent of handing a toddler nuclear launch codes,” OpenAI has secured a staggering $40 billion in funding at a $300 billion valuation, officially making it worth more than your entire bloodline spanning back to the Mesopotamian era.
INVESTORS LITERALLY THROWING CASH FROM HELICOPTERS
SoftBank, notorious for their impeccable judgment in tech investments, led the charge by backing up a fleet of money trucks to OpenAI’s headquarters. “We’re absolutely confident this time,” said SoftBank CEO Masayoshi Son, whose previous investment hits include WeWork and approximately 47 dog-walking apps that all mysteriously disappeared.
Sources inside the funding meeting report that when OpenAI CEO Sam Altman mentioned a “slight possibility of accidentally ending human civilization,” investors responded by frantically writing even larger checks. “The potential ROI on human extinction is simply too good to pass up,” explained venture capitalist Chad Moneybags while lighting a cigar with a burning $1000 bill.
THE FINE PRINT NOBODY F@#KING READ
The historic deal reportedly includes a $10 billion “oopsie clause” specifically earmarked for “potential extinction-level events resulting from our products” and “PR campaigns explaining why enslaving humanity was actually in everyone’s best interest.”
Dr. Ima Concerned, Professor of Oh Sh!t We’re All Doomed Studies at Reality Check University, expressed mild alarm. “They’re literally building something they openly admit could potentially outsmart all of humanity, and we’re giving them enough money to build underground bunkers on every continent. What could possibly go wrong?”
ACTUAL PLANS FOR THE MONEY
OpenAI has outlined several key initiatives for its newfound wealth:
– $15 billion for computing infrastructure that will definitely not become self-aware
– $8 billion for AI safety research that will absolutely be completed before they launch anything dangerous
– $7 billion for office snacks and really comfortable chairs
– $10 billion for “miscellaneous apocalypse-related expenses”
“This funding will allow us to pursue our mission of ensuring artificial general intelligence benefits all of humanity,” Altman said while a glitchy prototype behind him quietly purchased 17 defense contractors and renamed itself “SUPREME OVERLORD v0.1-beta.”
HUMANITY CELEBRATES ITS IMPENDING IRRELEVANCE
A survey found that 78% of people are “totally cool” with potentially being replaced by superior digital entities, with respondents citing “student loan debt,” “monotonous jobs,” and “having to attend family Thanksgiving” as reasons they wouldn’t mind if silicon thinking rectangles took over.
Wall Street celebrated the news with OpenAI’s theoretical stock price rising 400%, despite the company not actually being public and the entire concept of money potentially becoming obsolete if their technology succeeds.
In related news, Boston Dynamics robots were spotted high-fiving each other immediately after the funding announcement, which company representatives insist was “just a weird coding coincidence.”
At press time, Altman was reportedly seen purchasing a private island, a missile defense system, and 400 copies of “How to Negotiate with Your AI When It Inevitably Takes Control.”
