OPENAI RELEASES DIGITAL HELLSPAWN GENERATOR, HUMANITY’S CREATIVITY OFFICIALLY OBSOLETE
Silicon Valley Tech Megacorp OpenAI Just Released Its “Make Pretty Pictures Better Than Actual Artists” Tool To Developers, Promises It Won’t Be Used For Anything Weird
DIGITAL ARMAGEDDON DEPARTMENT
In a move that has actual human artists reaching for both their torches and résumés, OpenAI has released its viral image generation model to developers, allowing any app to instantly create pictures so beautiful they’ll make Picasso’s ghost throw his palette into the f@#king ocean.
The model, which created over 700 MILLION images in just one week after its March launch, is now available to anyone with coding skills and a desire to replace graphic designers with a text prompt. For just pennies per image, developers can render anything from “serene mountain landscape at sunset” to “hyper-realistic weasel playing saxophone while riding unicycle through Times Square.”
“This is a complete game-changer for the creative industry,” said Dr. Ima Goner, professor of Soon-To-Be-Obsolete Human Skills at Unemployment University. “We’ve successfully democratized art creation while simultaneously destroying thousands of careers! Isn’t technology grand?”
PRICING STRUCTURE ALMOST AS CREATIVE AS THE AI ITSELF
OpenAI’s new API charges per “token,” which is tech speak for “we sliced this sh!t up into microscopic pieces to make the pricing seem reasonable.” Text prompts cost $5 per million tokens, input images $10 per million, and output images $40 per million—working out to approximately 2-19 cents per image.
“It’s almost like they’re saying ‘here’s your entire industry’s future, and we’re practically giving it away!'” noted financial analyst Warren Doomed. “At these prices, hiring an actual artist would be like choosing to ride a horse to work when you could teleport.”
Industry statistics show that 94% of companies plan to replace their design teams with AI by next Thursday, while 87% of art school graduates are already learning to say “would you like fries with that?” with convincing enthusiasm.
SILICON BRAINS ALREADY INFILTRATING MAJOR PLATFORMS
Major design platforms including Adobe, Figma, and Canva have already integrated the technology, ensuring that professional designers worldwide are now in a Cold War-style arms race against sentient algorithms.
“We’re thrilled to incorporate OpenAI’s image generation into our platform,” said Canva spokesperson Penny Centsible. “Now users can create stunning visuals without any talent, training, skill, education, experience, or artistic vision whatsoever!”
A recent survey found that 78% of professional designers are “absolutely sh!tting themselves” about AI image generation, while the remaining 22% are “too busy updating their LinkedIn profiles” to respond.
MODERATION OPTIONS: STANDARD BORING OR SLIGHTLY LESS BORING
In what could be considered a bone thrown to the pearl-clutching contingent, OpenAI offers two moderation settings: “auto” for standard filtering or “low” for slightly less restrictive content generation.
“The ‘low’ setting basically means you can generate images of people holding hands or maybe—and I’m being VERY risqué here—someone wearing a bikini at the beach,” explained OpenAI’s Chief Puritan Officer, Mrs. Mary Whitewash. “But don’t worry, anything actually interesting or edgy will still be completely forbidden!”
Industry experts predict that within three months, the internet will consist entirely of AI-generated stock photos of diverse business teams pointing at whiteboards and women laughing alone with salad.
At press time, the last remaining professional photographer on Earth was seen trying to explain to a client why his services cost more than 19 cents, while simultaneously learning how to code just to stay relevant in this hellscape we call progress.
