TECH MESSIAH ALTMAN CLUTCHES PEARLS AS ZUCKERBERG WAVES OBSCENE STACKS OF CASH AT OPENAI NERDS
In a stunning display of corporate pearl-clutching that would make Victorian ladies proud, OpenAI’s Sam Altman has declared Meta’s aggressive poaching attempts “distasteful” while nervously watching his engineers’ eyes turn into cartoon dollar signs.
MORAL HIGH GROUND SUDDENLY VERY IMPORTANT TO BILLIONAIRE
Sources confirm that Mark “Data Vampire” Zuckerberg has been flashing $100 million signing bonuses at OpenAI engineers, a tactic Altman describes as “icky” despite the fact that he himself is worth approximately all the money ever printed in human history.
“We remain committed to our mission of creating artificial general intelligence that benefits all of humanity,” said Altman, apparently forgetting that OpenAI transformed from a non-profit to a for-profit faster than a college freshman changes majors after their first economics class.
THE BATTLE OF THE TECH BROS INTENSIFIES
Meta’s aggressive recruitment strategy has reportedly included promises of unlimited snacks, personal hovercrafts, and the ability to work from literal space. One anonymous OpenAI engineer told us, “I was perfectly happy with my measly seven-figure salary until Zuckerberg offered me enough money to buy a small country. Now I’m torn between my principles and having my own island shaped like my face.”
Dr. Cash Money, professor of Silicon Valley Psychology at Make That Bank University, explained the phenomenon: “What we’re seeing is a textbook case of ‘my billions are more ethical than your billions.’ Studies show that 97.8% of tech leaders believe their particular flavor of capitalism is somehow morally superior.”
MISSION-DRIVEN OR DRIVING TOWARD MONEY MOUNTAIN?
While Altman insists OpenAI remains committed to its original mission, industry experts note that the company’s definition of “benefiting humanity” has become increasingly flexible, much like a yoga instructor who’s also surprisingly good at contorting financial statements.
“OpenAI’s mission is sacred,” said Professor Ironic Statement from the Institute of Obvious Contradictions. “That’s why they partnered with Microsoft, a company historically known for its charitable work and definitely not for crushing competitors and creating monopolies.”
ENGINEERS CAUGHT IN ETHICAL TUG-OF-WAR, COMFORTED BY OBSCENE WEALTH
OpenAI engineers now face the moral quandary of choosing between two soul-crushing tech giants while being compensated with more money than the GDP of several nations combined.
“It’s really a difficult decision,” said one engineer who requested anonymity because they were literally speaking to us from atop a pile of cash. “Do I stay at OpenAI and help build potentially world-ending technology for merely life-changing wealth, or do I go to Meta and help destroy democracy for generational wealth? These are the ethical dilemmas they don’t prepare you for at Stanford.”
As the Silicon Valley talent war escalates, ordinary humans can take comfort in knowing that regardless of which company wins, we’re all f@#ked anyway. But at least some nerds will be really, really rich while watching it all burn down.
