OPENAI DEMANDS COPYRIGHT IMMUNITY WHILE BEGGING GOVERNMENT TO CRUSH CHINESE RIVALS
In a jaw-dropping display of corporate chutzpah that would make even Machiavelli blush, OpenAI just submitted a 15-page “pretty please f@#k our competition” letter to the White House, disguised as thoughtful input for the national AI Action Plan.
SHAMELESS POWER GRAB MASQUERADING AS PATRIOTISM
The $500 billion Silicon Valley darling, fresh off announcing its “totally not world domination” Stargate project, is now demanding that the federal government shield it from those pesky state regulations while simultaneously begging officials to ban its Chinese competitors. Because nothing says “free market competition” like asking Daddy Government to ground your rivals while you get to stay up past bedtime.
“State laws are absolutely killing innovation,” claimed OpenAI CEO Sam Altman, who apparently finds 781 different AI regulations more threatening than the actual existential risks his company warns about when convenient. “We need federal protection from these laws immediately, or China wins. Also, please ban DeepSeek because they’re ‘state-controlled’ and definitely not because they’re eating our lunch with better open-source models.”
When reached for comment, Dr. Obvious Hypocrisy, professor of Silicon Valley Ethics at Make-It-Up University, told our reporters: “It’s fascinating to watch a company simultaneously argue that copyright laws shouldn’t apply to them because of ‘innovation’ while also arguing their competitors should be banned because of ‘national security.’ The cognitive dissonance is so powerful it could probably train the next generation of large language models.”
COPY FOR ME BUT NOT FOR THEE
The submission also included desperate pleas for copyright exemptions that would allow OpenAI to continue hoovering up creators’ work without compensation, while simultaneously clutching pearls about Chinese companies having “unfettered access to data.”
“If America doesn’t let us use everyone’s copyrighted material for free, the race for AI is ‘effectively over,'” warned OpenAI, presumably while a tiny violin played in the background. Industry analysts estimate the company shed approximately 47 actual tears while typing this section.
SHOCKING STATISTICS REVEAL TRUTH BEHIND PROPOSAL
Our exclusive analysis found that 87.3% of OpenAI’s proposal consisted of thinly veiled attempts to secure monopolistic advantages, 42.9% contained coded language for “please make our competitors illegal,” and 113% revealed the company’s strategy of “regulations for thee but not for me.”
When asked if requesting both immunity from state laws AND restrictions on rivals was contradictory, OpenAI spokesperson Richard “Dick” Tactics explained: “Look, it’s very simple. When WE use mountains of data without permission, it’s called ‘fair use’ and ‘American innovation.’ When Chinese companies do it, it’s ‘unfettered access’ and ‘security threats.’ The difference? We have better catering at our board meetings.”
The White House has not officially responded, though one anonymous staffer was overhead saying, “Jesus f@#king Christ, the balls on these people.”
UP NEXT: OPENAI TO PROPOSE NATIONAL HOLIDAY CELEBRATING SAM ALTMAN’S BIRTH
