OPENAI DESPERATE FOR FRIENDS, SWEARS NEW “OPEN” MODEL WILL ACTUALLY BE OPEN THIS TIME, PINKY PROMISE
In what critics are calling “the tech equivalent of your ex drunk-texting at 2 AM,” OpenAI announced today they’re seeking developer feedback on their upcoming “open” language model, scheduled for release “whenever the f@#k we feel like it” according to internal documents.
COMPANY ATTEMPTS TO REBRAND “OPEN” AFTER FORGETTING WHAT THE WORD MEANS
OpenAI, whose name has become increasingly ironic with each passing quarter, now wants developers to believe they’re actually committed to openness this time, despite having a track record more closed than Fort Knox during a pandemic lockdown.
“We’re extremely committed to openness,” said Sam Altman, OpenAI CEO, while reportedly standing behind a 17-foot concrete wall surrounded by 42 NDAs and a moat filled with lawyers. “This new model will be as open as my calendar is to people asking for funding—technically possible but practically impossible.”
THE “REASONING” MODEL THAT WILL SOMEHOW REASON AWAY THE IRONY
Altman has described the forthcoming model as a “reasoning” model similar to OpenAI o1, which supposedly possesses advanced cognitive abilities, unlike the 97% of tech executives who can’t reason their way out of a wet paper bag.
“Our new model can solve complex mathematical proofs and explain quantum physics,” claimed Dr. Hyper Bolic, OpenAI’s Chief Exaggeration Officer. “What it can’t explain is why a company with ‘Open’ in its name keeps everything more guarded than nuclear launch codes.”
DESPERATE ATTEMPT TO COMPETE WITH ACTUAL OPEN MODELS
Industry insiders suggest this move comes as a direct response to actually open models like Meta’s Llama and Deepseek’s R1, which have gained traction while OpenAI was busy counting its Microsoft billions and practicing saying “we’re committed to safety” with a straight face.
“OpenAI asking for developer feedback is like a dictator asking citizens what kind of statue they’d prefer in the town square,” said Professor Obvious Truth, tech ethicist at Reality Check University. “They’ll listen carefully, thank you for your input, then do whatever the hell they were planning anyway.”
STATISTICAL EVIDENCE OF BULLS#!T
A recent survey found that 83% of developers believe “OpenAI” should be listed in dictionaries under “misnomers,” right between “jumbo shrimp” and “military intelligence.” Additionally, 94% of AI researchers reported experiencing “extreme eye strain” from rolling their eyes whenever OpenAI announces a new “commitment to openness.”
When asked about specifics of the new model, OpenAI representatives provided a detailed 47-page document consisting entirely of the phrases “stay tuned,” “exciting developments ahead,” and “terms and conditions apply.”
In a surprise twist that shocked absolutely no one, the feedback form for developers includes fine print stating that all suggestions “become the exclusive intellectual property of OpenAI faster than you can say ‘capitalist appropriation.'”
As of press time, OpenAI was reportedly planning to rename itself “SlightlyAjarAI” to more accurately reflect its business practices while maintaining plausible deniability about the whole “open” thing.
