TECH OVERLORDS BLOW $6.4 BILLION ON SHINY IMAGINARY GADGETS, STOCK PRICE SKYROCKETS BECAUSE LOGIC IS DEAD
OpenAI, the trillion-dollar daycare center for digital hallucinations, announced today they’re spending $6.4 billion to acquire a company that has produced exactly zero products, has no customers, and may or may not exist in our current dimension.
The company, named “io” because apparently using more than two characters would cost extra, was founded by former Apple designer Jony Ive, the man responsible for making your phone so goddamn slippery it requires its own insurance policy.
FRIENDSHIP WORTH BILLIONS, APPARENTLY
According to a joint statement that reads like a teenage love letter written during detention, Altman and Ive have been “collaborating” for two years, which experts confirm is Silicon Valley code for “getting high and drawing shapes on napkins.”
“A collaboration built upon friendship, curiosity and shared values quickly grew in ambition,” they wrote, failing to mention that one of those shared values appears to be “spending other people’s money on whatever the f@#k we want.”
Dr. Penny Wise, professor of Economic Hallucinations at Stanford University, explains: “What we’re seeing is revolutionary. They’ve managed to extract billions based on vibes alone. It’s like watching someone pay for an invisible sandwich and then congratulating them on their appetite.”
PRODUCTS? WHO NEEDS THEM!
Details about what io actually does remain “tentative ideas” that have supposedly “evolved into tangible designs,” which financial analysts interpret as “we have some really cool PowerPoints.”
“These so-called ‘tangible designs’ are about as substantial as my ex-husband’s promises,” says Cassandra Truth, Chief Reality Officer at WhatTheActualHell Investments. “But in today’s market, that’s apparently worth more than companies that, you know, make things people can use.”
INVESTORS THRILLED TO BURN MONEY
Wall Street responded to the news by immediately adding another $12 billion to OpenAI’s valuation, because nothing says “sound investment” like purchasing air wrapped in hype delivered in a box of dreams.
“We’re extremely excited about this partnership,” said Oliver Moneybags, who manages the You’ll-Never-Retire-Anyway Fund. “Sure, we could have spent that money solving climate change or ending hunger, but have you SEEN the renderings of these hypothetical gadgets? They’re so minimal, they barely exist!”
THE SECRET SAUCE: LUXURY MARKETING MEETS DIGITAL GIBBERISH
Sources close to the deal reveal the first product will likely be a $4,999 aluminum rectangle that gets uncomfortably warm when you ask it philosophical questions. The device, rumored to be called “the i” (the “o” was deemed redundant), will feature absolutely no buttons, ports, or practical functions.
“It’s so simple, it does nothing,” explained design enthusiast Blake Minimalist. “That’s the genius. Once you remove all utility, you achieve pure design.”
INDUSTRY REACTION
When asked for comment, competitors expressed varying degrees of competitive panic and uncontrollable laughter.
Microsoft CEO Satya Nadella reportedly spent three hours in the fetal position whispering “but we gave them all our money already,” while Google executives immediately approved a $10 billion budget to develop their own version of whatever the hell io is supposed to be.
As of press time, 97.3% of consumers surveyed said they had “absolutely no f@#king idea” what they were supposed to do with an AI-powered Jony Ive device, but 89.2% admitted they would “probably buy one anyway” to avoid feeling left out.
At this rate, experts predict that by 2026, the entire tech industry will consist solely of companies that don’t make anything, bought by companies that don’t earn anything, funded by people who don’t understand anything.
