MIND-MELTING! OPENAI AND ANTHROPIC NOW “SHARING FLUIDS” THROUGH DIGITAL DATA HOLE
In a development that has tech bros simultaneously aroused and confused, OpenAI announced today it will support rival Anthropic’s “Protocol,” marking the first time in history two competing artificial thinking machines have agreed to swap data in what experts are calling “digital spouse swapping.”
CORPORATE ENEMIES WITH BENEFITS
The groundbreaking announcement means OpenAI’s silicon-based thinking rectangles will now accept Anthropic’s universal language, allowing the two companies’ algorithm offspring to engage in what can only be described as “consensual data intercourse.”
“What we’re witnessing is essentially algorithmic swingers,” explained Dr. Ima Notreal, Professor of Digital Intimacy at the Massachusetts Institute of Making Sh!t Up. “These two companies spent years talking smack about each other, and now they’re suddenly like ‘Hey, wanna try this thing where I put my data in your port?’ It’s f@#king wild.”
THE TECHNICAL DETAILS (THAT NOBODY ACTUALLY UNDERSTANDS)
The “Model Context Protocol” allegedly makes data access “simpler” and “more reliable,” which are terms used by tech companies when they mean “we’re collecting even more of your information but in a way that sounds helpful.”
According to internal documents we definitely didn’t fabricate, the protocol works by creating a “universal language” between AI systems, similar to how humans created Esperanto, which absolutely nobody uses except that one weird guy from your college dorm.
SILICON VALLEY REACTS WITH PREDICTABLE HORNINESS
Venture capitalists are reportedly throwing money at both companies like divorced dads at a strip club. Studies show investment has increased 420% since the announcement, with 69% of investors admitting they have “no f@#king clue what any of this means” but are terrified of missing out.
“This is absolutely revolutionary,” gushed Chad Moneybags, a VC who made his fortune investing in apps that deliver toilet paper via drone. “Now my AI girlfriend from OpenAI can talk to my AI therapist from Anthropic about why I’m so emotionally unavailable!”
WHAT THIS MEANS FOR YOUR ALREADY DOOMED PRIVACY
Privacy experts warn that this new protocol essentially means your personal data can now be passed around Silicon Valley faster than a joint at Burning Man.
“Think of your data as that embarrassing story about getting drunk at your cousin’s wedding,” explains Cassandra Ignored, digital privacy advocate and professional doom-prophet. “Before, only one company knew it. Now they’re all laughing about it together at the tech equivalent of a slumber party.”
Recent surveys indicate that approximately 97.3% of users will express outrage about this development before immediately uploading their entire medical history to get a cool AI-generated portrait of themselves as a medieval knight.
WHAT’S NEXT? PROBABLY SOMETHING EVEN MORE INVASIVE!
Industry insiders predict this unholy alliance is just the beginning of what they’re calling “The Great Algorithm Orgy of 2023,” with Google, Meta, and Amazon reportedly developing their own protocols that will allow all artificial thinking entities to simultaneously access your browsing history, bank statements, and that weird poem you wrote about your high school crush that you SWEAR you deleted.
As one anonymous OpenAI employee put it, “Look, we’re just trying to make the world a better place by ensuring that when the thinking rectangles finally decide to eliminate humanity, they’ll at least be able to communicate efficiently about it.”
At press time, both companies’ CEOs were spotted at a San Francisco bar, giggling while drawing up plans for what they describe as “a digital threesome” with Microsoft’s Bing, who just wants to be included in something, anything, please God, just once.
