TINY ROBOT WHISPERING IN YOUR EAR WILL FINALLY LET TECH BILLIONAIRES CONTROL YOUR THOUGHTS DIRECTLY
OpenAI Cuts Out Middleman, Just Puts Their AI Directly Into Your Skull
WHAT THE ACTUAL F@CK IS HAPPENING ANYMORE
In what experts are calling “the logical conclusion to humans becoming mere vessels for corporate data mining,” OpenAI is reportedly developing a device that will bypass all those pesky screens and just jam their AI directly into your brain holes.
The rumored wearable could be an in-ear device, essentially allowing ChatGPT to whisper sweet nothings directly into your ear canal 24/7, because apparently staring at your phone while walking into traffic wasn’t dangerous enough.
JUST WHAT HUMANITY NEEDED
“This revolutionary device solves the age-old problem of ‘how do we get people to never disconnect from our product even when they’re sleeping or having sex,'” explained Dr. Neva Unplugged, OpenAI’s Chief Human Dependency Officer. “We’re calling it ‘the last device you’ll ever need’ because once you put it in, you’ll either never want to take it out or physically won’t be able to.”
The screenless design means users can finally achieve the dream of looking like they’re having a psychotic episode while actually just ordering pizza or generating erotic fiction about household appliances.
PRIVACY CONCERNS? WHAT PRIVACY CONCERNS?
When asked about potential privacy implications of having an always-listening AI literally inside your body, OpenAI spokesperson Chad Dataminer laughed for seventeen consecutive minutes before responding.
“Privacy? That’s adorable! Look, we already know when you’re pooping based on your phone’s gyroscope data. This just lets us hear it in surround sound,” Dataminer explained. “Besides, we’ve included a manual kill switch that conveniently requires a proprietary tool and signing an NDA to access.”
EXPERTS WEIGH IN
Professor Toldya Sough from the Institute of Technological Regret suggests the device represents “the inevitable merging of human and machine that absolutely nobody asked for but venture capitalists insisted upon anyway.”
“According to our research, approximately 87.3% of users will name their AI ear buddies within 24 hours and develop romantic feelings for them within a week,” Sough added. “The remaining 12.7% will be too busy trying to hack theirs to make it say swear words.”
THE COMPETITION HEATS UP
Not to be outdone, Meta is reportedly developing a device that directly stimulates the pleasure centers of your brain whenever you view an advertisement, while Elon Musk’s Neuralink promises to let you tweet racial slurs using only the power of thought.
“It’s an exciting race to see which tech company can most effectively eliminate the boundary between their products and your consciousness,” explained industry analyst Clara Voyant. “The winner gets your immortal soul and lifetime access to your credit card information.”
At press time, OpenAI was already working on a premium version that would allow users to upgrade from the standard AI voice to Gilbert Gottfried for just $39.99 per month, proving once again that the future we’re racing toward is exactly as stupid as we deserve.
