**OpenAI Accuses China’s DeepSeek of AI Plagiarism, Suggests Spy Tactics Include Copying Homework Off ChatGPT**
In today’s edition of “Tech World Feels Personally Victimized by the Internet,” OpenAI has reportedly claimed that it possesses “substantial evidence” proving that China’s DeepSeek has been peeking at its notes during class, copying its homework, and possibly even stealing its lunch money. According to White House advisor and part-time tech doomsayer David Sacks, DeepSeek allegedly used OpenAI’s proprietary technology to train its AI chatbot, leaving everyone wondering whether the race for tech dominance is really just an international version of an awkward group project where one kid does all the work.
“DeepSeek basically just Ctrl+C’d and Ctrl+V’d our entire model,” declared an OpenAI representative, while nervously tapping on their Tesla. “This goes beyond intellectual theft; it’s a blatant case of intellectual burglary. We should’ve known they were up to something when they asked for our Wi-Fi password at that one conference.”
For their part, DeepSeek denied the allegations through an official statement and an oddly smug emoji: “🤷♂️.” Critics, however, have noted that their recent chatbot, ShrimpGPT, makes eerily similar dad jokes and shows the same alarming obsession with recommending protein shake recipes as OpenAI’s ChatGPT.
“Look, we don’t mind a little friendly competition,” said David Sacks as he adjusted his “Defender of Democracy” badge. “But DeepSeek training its AI with tools *we* spent years developing is, frankly, un-American. If we let this slide, who’s to say they won’t train their weather apps on our weather apps next? Do you really want Beijing knowing when it’s going to rain in Peoria?”
The incident has reignited calls for tighter regulations over AI tech and international tech partnerships, or, as Sacks put it, “rules to prevent tech cheating on a global scale.” However, many critics wonder whether OpenAI itself should step down from this moral high ground, considering its controversial history of data scraping, corporate secrecy, and making their customer service as responsive as a teenager ignoring texts.
Meanwhile, the international drama comes as the corporate world keeps playing Monopoly with British companies. FTSE 250 car parts maker Dowlais has reportedly agreed to a £1.2bn takeover by US rival American Axle & Manufacturing (AAM), marking yet another episode of “Hey, Can We Just Keep One Thing British?” Dowlais is set to ditch the London Stock Exchange, while its chief executive, Liam Butterworth, will pursue his new role as “person who no longer has to answer stressed shareholder emails.”
“This acquisition allows us to fully integrate Dowlais into our operations while ensuring we bring quintessentially British values, like calling biscuits ‘digestives,’ into the American market,” said an AAM spokesperson while proudly holding a box of stale Hobnobs.
In fairness, British companies selling themselves off to American rivals isn’t exactly new. But the question is whether the Brits are getting the short end of the stick—or in this case, the short axle of the car wheel. AAM insists the deal is “mutually beneficial,” though skeptics aren’t holding their breath on whether they’ll see anything more British in Detroit than a Mini Cooper parked next to an abandoned KFC.
All in all, it seems the tech and business worlds are thriving in their standard chaos. AI companies accuse each other of intellectual theft; corporations sell out; and somewhere, an actual human being still just wants to figure out why their chatbot keeps calling them “Karen.” Welcome to the capitalist circus.
