OHIO STATE TO FORCE-FEED AI TRAINING TO STUDENTS WHO CAN BARELY OPERATE MICROWAVES
Ohio State University announced Monday that every single one of its students will soon be required to become AI experts, despite overwhelming evidence that most of them still struggle with basic tasks like doing laundry without flooding the dorm basement.
PREPARE TO BE ASSIMILATED
In what experts are calling “educational waterboarding with algorithms,” OSU will mandate that all 60,000+ students become “fluent” in artificial intelligence, regardless of whether they’re studying quantum physics or f@#king puppet theater.
“Ohio State has an opportunity and responsibility to prepare students to not just keep up, but lead in this workforce of the future,” said university president Walter “Ted” Carter Jr., while reportedly struggling to unmute himself on the Zoom announcement.
Sources close to Carter claim he made this decision after his 7-year-old granddaughter showed him how to ask ChatGPT to write his emails.
STUDENTS THRILLED TO PAY EVEN MORE TUITION FOR USELESS SH!T
The new AI curriculum will be seamlessly integrated into existing courses, meaning your $50,000 English Literature degree will now include valuable training on how to make digital thinking boxes write Shakespearean sonnets about farts.
“We’re absolutely ecstatic to learn yet another skill that will be completely obsolete by the time we graduate,” said junior Emma Patterson, who added, “This is almost as useful as that mandatory ‘wellness seminar’ where they taught us how to breathe.”
EXPERTS WEIGH IN WITH COMPLETELY MADE-UP CONCERNS
“This is basically like teaching every student how to use a calculator without understanding math,” explained Dr. Obvi Ouslystupid, Chair of Digital Panic Studies at Make-Believe University. “Approximately 94.7% of these students will use this knowledge exclusively to generate excuses for missing class.”
Professor Wanda Giveafuck from the Institute of Technological Inevitability added: “By 2026, approximately 100% of jobs will require AI skills, including traditionally non-technical roles like ‘forest ranger’ and ‘birthday clown.'”
THE REAL CURRICULUM REVEALED
According to leaked documents we definitely didn’t just make up, the AI training will include essential modules such as:
– “How To Make The Computer Do Your Homework Without Getting Caught”
– “Pretending You Understand What The F@#k An Algorithm Is”
– “Advanced Bullsh!tting: Making AI-Generated Content Sound Like You Wrote It”
– “Ethics of AI, Or Whatever, We’ll Figure It Out Later”
ACTUAL IMPLEMENTATION DETAILS STILL HAZY AF
When pressed for specifics on how exactly this AI fluency would be taught, President Carter appeared to glitch momentarily before responding, “We have the greatest confidence in our faculty to, um, do the thing with the computers and the learning.”
Sources within the university administration confirmed that 87% of professors are still asking IT how to share their screen during Zoom calls.
At press time, Ohio State was reportedly considering replacing all academic advisors with Magic 8-Balls, which students noted would be “a significant upgrade in reliability and useful advice.”
