GROCERY GIANT REPLACES HUMANS WITH SOULLESS CODE MONKEYS; SHOCKED EXECUTIVES WONDER WHY SHAREHOLDERS AREN’T THROWING PARADES
Ocado, the online grocery company known primarily for delivering overpriced avocados to people too important to walk to Tesco, announced today they’re firing 500 actual humans with dreams and families because some f@#king algorithms can do their jobs better.
COMPUTERS EATING YOUR LUNCH, LITERALLY
In what executives are calling “strategic workforce optimization” and what normal people call “getting sh!t-canned because of a fancy calculator,” Ocado revealed that artificial intelligence has made their engineering team so “productive” they no longer need 500 pesky humans cluttering up the payroll with their inconvenient needs for “healthcare” and “food.”
This comes after already booting 1,000 employees last year, proving Ocado’s remarkable commitment to ensuring technology can destroy livelihoods at an ever-accelerating pace.
EXPERTS WEIGH IN ON THE DIGITAL APOCALYPSE
“This is simply capitalism working as intended,” explained Dr. Hugh R. Fired, Professor of Inevitable Technological Displacement at the University of Obvious Outcomes. “Companies exist to maximize profit, not provide meaningful employment. These 500 people should have thought about that before choosing to be born human.”
Industry analyst Penny Pincher notes that Ocado’s move represents the pinnacle of corporate efficiency: “They’ve achieved what every company dreams of – making money without the messy business of employing actual people. It’s absolutely brilliant if you don’t think about it for more than three seconds.”
THE ALGORITHM WILL SEE YOU NOW
Insiders report that AI has revolutionized Ocado’s engineering processes, reducing what once took a team of talented professionals months to complete into tasks that can be accomplished by asking ChatGPT “how do I code grocery website pls help urgent!!!”
According to internal documents we definitely didn’t make up, the company plans to replace its remaining human staff with a series of increasingly sophisticated toasters by 2027.
EMPLOYEES SURPRISINGLY NOT THRILLED
Former Ocado engineer Tim Worthington, who received his termination notice via an automated email signed “Warmly, AI Assistant #4729,” expressed mild disappointment at being replaced by what he described as “basically Excel with delusions of grandeur.”
“Sure, I spent 15 years building this company’s technological infrastructure,” Worthington said while updating his LinkedIn profile for the fourteenth time today. “But can I generate 47 minor variations of the same code in 0.3 seconds? No. So clearly I deserve to be unemployed.”
WHAT’S NEXT FOR THE NEWLY UNEMPLOYED?
Ocado has generously offered affected staff members a comprehensive outplacement package consisting of a pamphlet titled “Have You Considered Learning To Code?” and a 10% discount on their next grocery order (minimum spend £75, exclusions apply).
In a final twisted irony, sources confirm that many terminated employees have been asked to train their digital replacements before leaving, a process the company describes as “knowledge transfer” but which employees call “digging your own electronic grave.”
As of press time, 97.3% of Ocado executives remain inexplicably human, though insider reports suggest they’re working hard to correct this inefficiency as soon as possible.
