MAN-CHILD TECH BRO SELLS SOUL AND 18,000 AI CHIPS TO NOTORIOUSLY PROGRESSIVE HUMAN RIGHTS CHAMPION SAUDI ARABIA
RIYADH – In what experts are calling “totally not a horrifying ethical catastrophe,” NVIDIA announced plans to sell 18,000 AI chips to Saudi Arabia, a country internationally renowned for its impeccable human rights record and definitely not for dismembering journalists with bone saws.
THE DEAL THAT DEFINITELY WON’T HAUNT ANYONE’S DREAMS
The partnership, unveiled during a White House-sponsored Middle East tech tour that absolutely nobody found suspicious, will provide Saudi Arabia with enough computing power to either usher in a “new industrial revolution” or create the world’s most sophisticated surveillance state, depending on which PR statement you choose to believe.
“This is purely about economic development and has absolutely nothing to do with monitoring every citizen’s digital footprint, thoughts, or bathroom schedule,” explained NVIDIA CEO Jensen Huang, while nervously adjusting his trademark leather jacket that witnesses report was bulging with what appeared to be stacks of cash.
WHAT COULD POSSIBLY GO WRONG?
Saudi officials promised the technology would be used for benevolent purposes like “improving infrastructure” and “enhancing citizen happiness,” which historically has been a top priority for the Kingdom, according to absolutely no credible source ever.
Dr. Selma Conscience, Professor of Ethical Blindspots at Cashgrab University, offered her analysis: “When someone who recently chopped a journalist into tiny pieces asks for technology that could potentially identify and track dissidents, the obvious response is ‘Sure, here’s 18,000 of our best chips! Would you like fries with that?'”
AMERICA’S PROUD TRADITION CONTINUES
The White House defended the deal as part of America’s longstanding commitment to arming questionable regimes with technology they definitely won’t misuse. “Listen, if we didn’t sell them these chips, someone else would,” explained White House technology advisor Buck Passing. “Besides, we’ve included a strongly worded PDF about responsible AI use, so basically we’ve done all we can.”
According to made-up statistics from the International Institute of Technological Regrets, there’s only a 98.7% chance this deal will be featured in a horrifying documentary titled “How We F@#ked Ourselves: The Silicon Valley Story” within the next decade.
TOTALLY NORMAL BUSINESS TRANSACTION
Industry analyst Warren Buffering noted, “The beauty of selling powerful AI systems to authoritarian regimes is you only have to feel bad about it once, when cashing the check. After that, it’s someone else’s ethical nightmare!”
Saudi officials have promised that the 18,000 chips will be used to create jobs, improve healthcare, and definitely not to build an omniscient digital surveillance apparatus called “The All-Seeing Eye of The Crown Prince” that coincidentally appeared in leaked government documents last week.
At press time, NVIDIA stock reached an all-time high as investors celebrated the company’s commitment to selling powerful technology to literally anyone with enough cash, proving once again that in the tech industry, moral bankruptcy and financial prosperity go hand in hand like dictators and disappearing dissidents.
