NVIDIA’S “UNBREAKABLE” AI SOFTWARE CONTAINS GAPING SECURITY HOLE THAT TODDLER WITH FISHER-PRICE LAPTOP COULD EXPLOIT
Tech Giant Assures Customers That Complete System Takeover Is Actually “An Undocumented Feature”
SILICON VALLEY PANIC ROOM
In what security experts are calling “the digital equivalent of leaving your house keys under a doormat made of glass,” NVIDIA’s supposedly fortress-like AI container toolkit contains a security flaw so massive you could drive a f@#king Death Star through it.
The vulnerability, formally designated as CVE-2025-23266 but informally known as “Holy Sh!t We’re All Screwed,” allows literally anyone with the technical prowess of a caffeinated squirrel to gain complete control over host systems running NVIDIA’s AI software.
“It’s actually impressive how badly they’ve screwed this up,” explained cybersecurity analyst Dr. Hugh Jembarrassment. “Imagine building a bank vault where the combination is just pressing the door handle five times while whispering ‘please.’ That’s essentially what NVIDIA has accomplished here.”
THE TECHNICAL DETAILS THAT WILL MAKE YOU WEEP
According to our investigation, exploiting the vulnerability requires approximately three mouse clicks and possibly humming the theme from “Jeopardy.” Tests conducted by our lab show a 97% success rate among untrained monkeys and a disturbing 100% success rate among house cats walking across keyboards.
NVIDIA spokesperson Chip Overheating attempted to downplay concerns during an emergency press conference conducted from what appeared to be a bunker: “We prefer to think of this not as a ‘catastrophic security failure’ but as an ‘enthusiastic access sharing opportunity.'”
CLOUD SERVICES PREPARING FOR DIGITAL ARMAGEDDON
Major cloud providers are reportedly “losing their absolute sh!t” as they scramble to patch millions of systems. According to an anonymous source at Amazon Web Services, employees have been instructed to “patch, pray, or prepare résumés.”
Professor Ima Screwed, head of Cloud Security Studies at MIT, offered this sobering assessment: “On a scale of 1 to 10, with 10 being ‘we’re completely f@#ked,’ this vulnerability rates approximately 27. Our models suggest a 68% chance that someone is already using this exploit to mine cryptocurrency in your refrigerator.”
HACKERS REPORTEDLY “TOO EMBARRASSED” TO USE EXPLOIT
In a surprising twist, the hacking collective known as “Your Mom’s Basement” issued a rare public statement declaring the vulnerability “too goddamn easy to exploit.”
“Where’s the challenge?” complained notorious hacker DarkL0rd69. “It’s like NVIDIA left their digital front door open with a sign saying ‘Please Rob Me’ and a map to all the valuables. We have standards, for f@#k’s sake.”
NVIDIA OFFERS INNOVATIVE SOLUTION
NVIDIA has released an emergency patch while suggesting alternative security measures including “turning it off and on again,” “asking nicely for hackers to stop,” and “printing out all your sensitive data and burying it in your backyard.”
The company is offering affected customers a complimentary digital sticker saying “I Survived the NVIDIA Apocalypse” and a 5% discount on their next purchase of a graphics card that nobody can actually find in stock.
According to internal documents accidentally uploaded to TikTok, NVIDIA executives had been aware of the vulnerability for months but classified it as “Future Problem for Future Us.”
At press time, 74% of NVIDIA executives had reportedly changed their LinkedIn profiles to “Open to Work” while the remaining 26% were last seen boarding private jets to non-extradition countries with suspiciously large duffel bags.
