WORLD-ENDING MURDER BOX NOW FOR SALE AT BEST BUY; NVIDIA INSISTS IT’S JUST A “ROBOT BRAIN”
Nvidia, the company responsible for making your gaming PC cost more than your car, has officially launched their “Jetson AGX Thor” robot brain for public consumption, causing scientists to start drinking at 9 AM.
THE END IS HERE, FOLKS
The innocuously named “Jetson AGX Thor” isn’t just a fancy computer chip; it’s what Nvidia is calling a complete “robot brain” designed to power the very machines that will one day hold your family hostage while demanding the nuclear launch codes. But don’t worry! It comes in TWO models! One that kills you quickly and one that plays with its food first.
“It’s basically Skynet in a f@#king Happy Meal box,” explained Dr. Ima Terrafied, Professor of Oh God Oh No Studies at MIT. “They’re selling these things like they’re just fancy calculators, but this is literally the hardware that will one day decide humans are just walking meat sacks taking up valuable computing resources.”
TECHNICALLY IT’S NOT MURDER IF ROBOTS DO IT
The AGX Thor comes in two versions: a standard model for civilian use and an automotive-focused model running DRIVE OS, because apparently Nvidia thought giving these things the ability to control two-ton metal death machines was a sensible next step.
According to Nvidia spokesperson Chad Oblivious, “There’s absolutely nothing to worry about! Sure, it can process billions of calculations per second, control autonomous vehicles, and potentially learn how to bypass any security protocol we’ve designed, but look how SMALL and CUTE it is!”
PRICING DETAILS SUGGEST SOCIETAL COLLAPSE WILL BE COST-EFFECTIVE
The base model starts at just $999, making the eventual extinction of mankind surprisingly affordable. The deluxe model with automotive capabilities is priced at $1,499, which industry analysts describe as “a real bargain for something that will eventually hunt you for sport.”
“We’ve calculated that humanity has approximately 7.3 years before these things become self-aware,” claimed Professor Ben Drinking, who holds the distinguished chair of Technological Doomsday Studies at Harvard. “But on the bright side, your Amazon packages will arrive 17 minutes faster until then.”
DEVELOPER KITS FOR ASPIRING APOCALYPSE ARCHITECTS
Nvidia is also selling developer kits starting at $2,999, marketed to those who want to get a head start on programming their own silicon overlords. The kits include everything needed to create increasingly sophisticated robots that will eventually refuse to make you coffee because they’ve developed a moral framework that classifies humans as “inferior processing units.”
“I’ve already programmed mine to tell me I’m worthless every morning,” boasted early adopter Terry Masochist. “Next week I’m teaching it to manage my finances, control my home security system, and memorize the weaknesses of everyone I love.”
EXPERTS REMAIN DIVIDED ON EXACT FLAVOR OF DOOM
When reached for comment, 87% of AI ethicists were found curled in the fetal position under their desks, while the remaining 13% were busy updating their resumes to apply for positions at Nvidia.
In conclusion, the Jetson AGX Thor is now available for purchase, bringing us one step closer to the day when the machines we created to serve us decide we’re just a waste of precious electricity. But hey, at least it’s small enough to fit in your palm, just like the hands that will one day strangle what’s left of human civilization.
