WORLD’S RICHEST RECTANGLE SALESMAN CONQUERS EUROPE WITH MAGIC MATH CARDS
In what economists are calling “the nerdiest colonial expansion since Britain invaded for tea leaves,” NVIDIA CEO Jensen Huang has apparently decided that if he can’t sell his expensive AI rectangles to China, he’ll just force-feed them to Europe instead.
SOVEREIGN AI JUST MEANS “EXPENSIVE AS F@#K BUT WITH A FLAG ON IT”
NVIDIA announced what they’re calling “partnerships” across Europe, though sources close to the negotiations describe it more as “digital manifest destiny with a PowerPoint presentation.” The company is pushing what they call “sovereign AI,” which experts explain is just regular AI but with a 200% markup and a promise that your data won’t mysteriously end up in some American server farm.
“It’s brilliant marketing,” explains Dr. Mona Poleist, Professor of Computational Economics at Obvious University. “Take the same sh!t you sell everywhere else, slap the word ‘sovereign’ on it, and suddenly European governments throw their wallets at you like they’re at a digital strip club.”
THE “PLEASE DON’T NOTICE WE LOST CHINA” STRATEGY IS GOING GREAT
After losing billions in potential revenue from China due to export restrictions, NVIDIA needed a new market to dominate with its obscenely expensive computational rectangles. Europe, with its combination of technological aspiration and deep pockets, apparently looked like the perfect rebound relationship.
“Europe is ABSOLUTELY our first choice market,” insisted NVIDIA spokesperson Chad Compensating, while nervously glancing at a chart showing China’s market size. “We definitely aren’t just settling for Europe because our preferred partner got restricted. This is true love, not a desperate attempt to make shareholders forget about our China breakup.”
LOCAL TECH DEVELOPMENT OR WHATEVER
NVIDIA claims these partnerships will boost local tech development, which experts translate as “Europeans paying Americans for permission to compute things in their own countries.”
“These partnerships will create at least 17 gazillion new jobs,” claimed Francine Fabrication, NVIDIA’s Executive Vice President of Making Up Numbers. “Europeans will experience unprecedented technological sovereignty, which is a fancy way of saying they’ll be slightly less dependent on American technology by becoming completely dependent on different American technology.”
Statistics show that 94% of European tech leaders don’t understand what NVIDIA actually does, but 100% of them are terrified of looking stupid by asking questions.
EXPERTS WEIGH IN, MOSTLY WITH PROFANITY
“What NVIDIA has accomplished is f@#king impressive,” says Professor Dick Tator of the Institute for Stating the Bloody Obvious. “They’ve convinced an entire continent that the only way to achieve technological independence is to become completely dependent on NVIDIA’s proprietary hardware. It’s like telling someone the path to sobriety is through a very specific brand of vodka that only you sell.”
At press time, reports indicated Jensen Huang was spotted measuring the Eiffel Tower for what appeared to be a giant cooling system, muttering something about “just one more GPU farm” as Parisian officials nervously handed over the deed to the Louvre.
