TECH JESUS TURNS WATER INTO TRILLIONS: NVIDIA HITS $4 TRILLION WHILE YOUR SAVINGS ACCOUNT MAKES 37 CENTS IN INTEREST
In a financial miracle that would make biblical prophets say “what the actual f@#k,” chipmaker Nvidia has become the first company ever to hit a $4 trillion market valuation, primarily by selling fancy heat-generating rectangles that make computers hallucinate convincing text and images.
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The company’s shares jumped 2.4% to $164 on Wednesday, continuing a rise so steep that mountain climbers are getting altitude sickness just looking at the stock charts. Meanwhile, your retirement account is performing with all the vigor of a sloth on melatonin.
“Nvidia has essentially become the shovel seller in the AI gold rush,” explained financial analyst Dr. Obvious Bubble, who definitely doesn’t own any Nvidia stock himself, why do you ask? “Everyone wants to build AI, and Nvidia is selling the only shovels that don’t immediately break when you try to dig.”
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Nvidia has achieved what tech giants Apple, Microsoft, and Google could only dream about while swimming in their own obscene piles of cash. The $4 trillion valuation means Nvidia is now worth more than the GDP of all but the top 4 countries in the world, which experts describe as “totally normal and not at all concerning.”
“This is completely sustainable,” insisted Professor Definitely Notin Denial of the Institute for Economic Fairytales. “There’s absolutely nothing to worry about when a company that makes specialized computer parts is valued higher than the entire economic output of France. This is just what happens when capitalism is working perfectly.”
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Nvidia’s rise has been fueled by the AI boom, with tech companies worldwide scrambling to buy as many of its specialized chips as possible. Studies show that 94% of executives demanding more AI have no f@#king clue what it actually does, but they know they need it or their competitors might get it first.
“It’s really quite simple,” explained Chief Technical Buzzword Officer at MegaCorp Industries, Janet Jargonspeak. “Nvidia makes the transistor thingies that do the computing stuff that makes the learning deep and the intelligence artificial. Without them, we’d just have regular dumb computers instead of slightly less dumb but much more expensive computers.”
AVERAGE CONSUMER WONDERING HOW THIS AFFECTS THEIR INABILITY TO AFFORD HOUSING
While Wall Street celebrates Nvidia’s historic achievement, everyday Americans are reportedly still struggling to understand how this astronomical valuation will help them pay their increasingly unaffordable rent or medical bills.
“I’m sure that all this wealth will trickle down to us regular folks any minute now,” said local man Dave Peterson, who has been waiting for trickle-down economics to work since 1983. “Any minute now. Yep. Still waiting. Any… minute… now.”
According to a recent survey, approximately 87% of Americans couldn’t tell you what Nvidia actually makes, but 100% of them wish they’d bought the stock five years ago instead of that Peloton that’s now being used as an expensive clothes hanger.
As Nvidia continues its ascent to financial godhood, experts predict the company may soon be worth more than many concepts, including hope, democracy, and the collective dreams of humanity. But at least your gaming PC runs really fast now.
