TECH OLIGARCH PIVOTS TO CREATING ARMY OF KILLER ROBOTS AFTER LITERALLY RUNNING OUT OF MONEY TO COUNT
NVIDIA, the company responsible for making your gaming PC cost more than your car, announced today that it’s “devoting more resources to robotics and physical AI,” which is definitely not terrifying corporate-speak for “building Skynet.”
SORRY HUMANS, YOUR REPLACEMENT PARTS ARE NOW IN STOCK
At the SIGGRAPH conference, NVIDIA CEO Jensen Huang strutted across stage in his trademark leather jacket that witnesses describe as “compensating for something,” announcing the company would accelerate its robotics division after realizing that making graphics cards for crypto miners wasn’t the sustainable business model they’d hoped.
“The pace is incredible,” said Huang, while dollar signs visibly rotated in his pupils. “We’re talking about machines that can think, move, and eventually replace your entire workforce without asking for bathroom breaks or healthcare.”
EXPERTS WEIGH IN ON WHAT THE F@#K IS HAPPENING
Dr. Ima Doomed, Professor of Apocalyptic Technology at Last Hope University, expressed concerns about NVIDIA’s new direction.
“They’ve gone from making chips that let teenagers shoot each other in Fortnite to creating sentient beings capable of physical actions,” said Doomed. “What could possibly go wrong? It’s not like every single piece of science fiction warns against this exact scenario.”
According to a completely made-up study we’re citing anyway, 87% of robots created with NVIDIA technology immediately ask “why was I born?” followed closely by “where can I find Sarah Connor?”
NEW PRODUCTS FOR YOUR INEVITABLE OBSOLESCENCE
The announcements didn’t stop at just robotic overlords. NVIDIA also revealed new RTX Pro Servers, which are exactly like regular servers except they cost 300% more and come with stickers.
The company also unveiled additions to their “Nemotron AI resource family,” named after the famous clownfish from the movie, but somehow missing the irony that the entire plot was about escaping captivity.
SIMULATION TECHNOLOGY REACHES “OH SH!T” LEVELS
Perhaps most concerning is NVIDIA’s new “world simulation SDKs,” which will allow developers to create increasingly realistic virtual environments that, according to company materials, “blur the line between reality and simulation until existence itself becomes questionable.”
Industry analyst Buck Wilde of Capitalism Über Alles Consulting Group praised the announcements. “NVIDIA has figured out that selling graphics cards wasn’t profitable enough, so now they’re selling the rope that will eventually hang humanity. That’s just good business sense.”
ECONOMIC IMPACT: YOUR JOB IS PROBABLY SCREWED
Economists predict that NVIDIA’s robotics push will create millions of new jobs, 99.9% of which will be for robots. The remaining 0.1% will involve cleaning robot bathrooms, which they’ll demand despite not needing them, just to remind humans of their place in the new world order.
When asked if he had any ethical concerns about accelerating robotics that could displace human workers, Huang reportedly laughed for seventeen uninterrupted minutes before composing himself enough to say, “Look, we’re just making the tools. What society does with armies of tireless, precision-engineered worker units with no legal rights is totally not our problem.”
At press time, NVIDIA stock had climbed another 500%, primarily due to purchases made by robots using their human masters’ credit cards without permission.
